What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit?

What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit? You can’t dip an elephant in your tea!

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Comedian Joke

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

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Magic Dog Joke

What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador.

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Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

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Stupid Doctor

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

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What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic?

What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

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Math Teacher Joke

Math teacher: A man from Los Angeles drove toward New York at 250 miles per hour and a man from New York drove toward Los Angeles at 150 m.p.h. Where did they meet? Tommy: In jail!

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Fruity School Joke

Teacher: If you had 13 apples, 12 grapes, 3 pineapples and 3 strawberries, what would you have? Billy: A delicious fruit salad.

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Teacher Joke

Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school? Why? She had bright students!

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What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.

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Control Freak

Knock! Knock! Q: Who’s there? A: Control Freak. Q: Con… A: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

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Before I Die

Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is gonna be epic.

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How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three! One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.

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Windows Password

I hate Windows. Just tried to set my password to “mydick” but apparently it’s too short.

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Cow

Teacher: “I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?”Student: “The cow ate the grass, sir.”

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Two Students

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.  

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Teacher

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

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Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.

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Airplane

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

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Drive a car

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”

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