Stupid Doctor

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

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robber

After robbing a bank, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, “Meow.” They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, “Woof, woof.” Last, they kick the sack with the blond, and she says, “Po-ta-to.”

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What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.

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Math Teacher Joke

Math teacher: A man from Los Angeles drove toward New York at 250 miles per hour and a man from New York drove toward Los Angeles at 150 m.p.h. Where did they meet? Tommy: In jail!

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Teacher Joke

Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school? Why? She had bright students!

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Windows Password

I hate Windows. Just tried to set my password to “mydick” but apparently it’s too short.

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Library

Librarian – “Yes, how can I help you? Blonde – “Hi, I need help with my bibliography, how can I find out Ibid’s first name?

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Fruity School Joke

Teacher: If you had 13 apples, 12 grapes, 3 pineapples and 3 strawberries, what would you have? Billy: A delicious fruit salad.

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Before I Die

Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is gonna be epic.

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How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three! One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.

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Control Freak

Knock! Knock! Q: Who’s there? A: Control Freak. Q: Con… A: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

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Drive a car

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”

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What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic?

What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

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What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit?

What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit? You can’t dip an elephant in your tea!

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What do you call shaving a crazy sheep?

Shear madness.

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Airplane

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

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Cow

Teacher: “I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?”Student: “The cow ate the grass, sir.”

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Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.

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Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

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