Windows Password

I hate Windows. Just tried to set my password to “mydick” but apparently it’s too short.

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Library

Librarian – “Yes, how can I help you? Blonde – “Hi, I need help with my bibliography, how can I find out Ibid’s first name?

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Drive a car

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, “Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes…”

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Control Freak

Knock! Knock! Q: Who’s there? A: Control Freak. Q: Con… A: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

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Little Sally

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.

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Teacher

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

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Before I Die

Before I die I’m gonna swallow a whole bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is gonna be epic.

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What animal has more lives than a cat?

Frogs, they croak every night!

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Airplane

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.” The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

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robber

After robbing a bank, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, “Meow.” They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, “Woof, woof.” Last, they kick the sack with the blond, and she says, “Po-ta-to.”

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Robber

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, “Wait, you forgot the remote!”

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How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

How many surreal artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three! One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bath tub.

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Two Students

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.  

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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

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What do you call shaving a crazy sheep?

Shear madness.

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Cow

Teacher: “I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?”Student: “The cow ate the grass, sir.”

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What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.

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