2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.
He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."


2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.


2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"


2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?" She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work."


2021-May-21 - Reading time: ~1 minute

What is small, brown and eats paper?
A small brown paper-eater!


2021-May-20 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd so she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That's his trunk." "No, in the back," the daughter says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that's nothing."
The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?" "Oh, that's his penis," the day replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?"
"Oh, she's just spoiled."


2021-May-19 - Reading time: ~1 minute

There’s nothing more entertaining than going to watch a marathon live. My favorite part is the reaction of the runner’s face when I give him a cup of vodka.


2021-May-19 - Reading time: ~1 minute

Recently found out I’m allergic to cats. That’s the last time I eat at a Chinese restaurant.