WHY DID THE SQUIRREL SWIM ON ITS BACK?

2021-May-23 - Reading time: ~1 minute

Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep his nuts dry.

WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?

2021-May-23 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SEXES

2021-May-23 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, arguing which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!" The little girl is pretty upset by this and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

HOW BIG IS A PENIS?

2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A couple gets married, and on their wedding night, the wife asks what a penis is. The husband, surprised, pulls his out. She says, "Oh, it’s like a dick but smaller."

I WANT A PUPPY

2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.
The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy."
So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a baby."
The little boy says, "Can you turn mommy over? I'd rather have a puppy."

MAILMANS LAST DAY

2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."
She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."
She stops him and informs him there’s more, then leads him into the bedroom where she proceeds to give him the best sex he’s ever had—every position he can think of until he’s about ready to pass out. Finally, they finish and he says, "Thank you ma’am, this was amazing, but I really should finish my route."
She stops him and says, "I have one more thing for you," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 bill, and hands it to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma’am, the breakfast was amazing, the sex was mind-blowing, but what is up with the five dollars?"
The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching TV last night when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman’s last day, think we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck ’em. Give him 5 bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!”

HOT DOG HANDJOB

2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.
He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

VASELINE HANDJOB

2021-May-22 - Reading time: ~1 minute

My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.