A 94 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog.
He picks up the frog and the frogs says: "If you kiss me,
I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week." The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams,
"Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month."
The old man looks at the frog and says:
"At my age I’d rather have a talking frog."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
"Genius, my butt - It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says:
"If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can get free drinks for the rest of the night."
The man walks over, says something to the horse, it laughs, and he walks back over to the bar to collect his free drinks.
The next night, the man goes back to the bar and the bartender asks the man if he can make the horse cry.
The man walks over, does something to the horse, and it starts to cry. The bartender asks, "How did you make it cry?"
The man replies: "Well, to make the horse laugh last night I told it I had a bigger dick and to make it cry tonight I showed it."
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
Now wipe that smile off your face.
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee.
"The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars.
There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again.
The first bee asked,
"How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee.
"It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yamaka," said the second bee.
"Why do you have it on, you're not Jewish."
"No, but I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them.
"That I'm going to give you a special gift..."
"I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,
in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two handsome figures approached each other a bit shyly,
but soon dashed for the bushes,
from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter,
and shaking of branches...
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes,"
said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely,
the female statue turned to the male statue and said:
"Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"
A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced.
However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal,
let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave."
The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed. "However," the old rooster added.
"Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance."
The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed.
The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing,
feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up.
By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately.
The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him. When suddenly "BAM!"
The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers.
"Darn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."
A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender
"If I impress you, can I have a free drink?" The bartender said sure,
so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano.
He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano.
It crawled on to the bench and began playing music.
The bartender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer.
Next, the man said,
"If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?"
The bartender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed.
The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano.
The bartender smiled and told the man that he was impressed.
A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million.
The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k.
The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left.
The bartender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?
There is no singer now!"
The owner laughed and said,
The rat is a ventriloquist."
A pig goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, I’ve been having these terrible nightmares and I can’t sleep.
Can you prescribe me some sleeping pills?"
Doctor: "Can you describe your nightmares to me?" Pig: "They are all almost the same.
First a man lures me with food, kills me and cuts me into pieces.
Then he rubs salt all over my flesh!" Doctor:
"I wouldn't worry about it, looks like you’re going to be cured soon."
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl.
It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells,
"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first.
It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out,
cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish.
And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence,
listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time:
I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!"
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said:
"Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch.
A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.
The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?"
The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies: "4:30."
The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies:
"Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."
A married man decided to work late to be with his young secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and made love for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
A-ha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look at what he did to my breasts!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week.
However, there was a problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself with the parrot, adrift on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, then another, and another. Finally, after a week, the parrot said,
"Okay, I give up.
Where the heck is the boat?"
A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.
Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.
In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say,
"Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse.
Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff.
Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
"Whew," said the man: "thank God!"
Bob was sitting in the hall of the school, bored out of his mind. Suddenly the teacher walked by and he asked her:
"How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher, amused, said "I don't know, how?" Bob then said "You open the door and put it in there!"
Then Bob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?"
The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Bob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out,
and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question: "All the animals went to the tigers birthday party,
except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The tiger?"
Then the student said "No,the giraffe because he's still in the fridge."
Then he asked her just one more question: "If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you?"
The teacher then says:
"Well. you would walk over the bridge."
Then Bob says: "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the tiger's birthday party!"
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer:
"Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost.
For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.
Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.
Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.
The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go.
I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?"
The man answered,
"Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most stunning bronze statue of a Siamese cat.
He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $200 for the statue and $2000 for the story that goes with it."
The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do want the statue."
As the man is paying for the statue, the shop owner says "All right, but I guarantee you will be back for the story."
The man walks out of the shop and starts down the street carrying the cat statue.
When he comes to the crosswalk, he happens to glance behind him and sees 3 or 4 cats sitting about 10 feet away, looking at him.
He shrugs it off and crosses when the light changes. He goes several more blocks and, at another crosswalk, looks behind himself again.
This time there are about 30 cats sitting there looking at him. The man starts to get a little nervous and picks up his pace when the light changes.
By the time the man reaches the pier at the end of the street, he has now been running for several blocks.
He was running because every time he turned around, there were more and more cats behind him. He looked like the pied piper.
When he got to the end of the pier, he turned around once more and saw at least 2000 cats sitting there looking at him.
There were so many cats that there was no way to get off the pier without going through them and he knew there was no way he was going to do that.
In a panic, he turned toward the water and heaved the statue as far as he could.
Amazingly, all of the cats ran right past him and jumped in the water after the statue and never came out.
The man, still shaking from his ordeal, immediately started running back to the shop. As he burst through the door, the shop owner saw him and said,
"I told you that you'd be back for the story!"
"To heck with the story," gasps the man, "do you have a statue of a politician?"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods,
find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear,
I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word.
The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
"Looking back," he says:
"maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."