A man goes to a strip club with an alligator. He says: "I bet you that I can put my dick into this alligator's mouth for 1 minute, and when I take it out, it will not be damaged.
If I succeed, all of you will buy me drinks. If I fail, I will buy all of you drinks."
The other men agree and he puts his dick into the alligator's mouth for 1 minute.
After 1 minute, he hits the alligator on the head with a beer bottle, and he opens his mouth.
To everyone's surprise, his dick is unharmed. "Now, before you buy me drinks, does anybody else want to try?"
After a while, someone in the back finally raises their hand.
It's a woman.
"I guess I can try," she says: "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle."
A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says: "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road." explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?,
I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call!".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says:
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?", says the duck,
"Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right.", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes." says the barman "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah." the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of course." the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck "That's right!" says the barman The duck looks confused.
"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"
A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him,
"Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire."
The man says: "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground."
The crocodile then bites his legs off.
Teacher asks to a student that if I give you 3+3 rabbits, how many do you have"?
Student tells, I will have 7 rabbits.
Teacher asks, how?
Student tells: "I already have 1 rabbit."
A religious woman buys a parrot and takes it home. As soon as she gets the bird in its new cage, it starts hollering,
"I'm a whore! I'm a whore!" The lady is embarrassed and asks her minister if she should return the foul-mouthed bird. The minister suggests,
"I have a well-behaved male parrot who sits in its cage and prays all day long.
Perhaps if we put your bird in with mine, your bird will see the error of its ways and become more pious."
The next day, the woman takes her parrot to the minister's house and puts her bird in with the praying parrot.
After a few seconds, her parrot starts saying: "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!"
The priest's parrot replies: "Come on in honey, that's what I've been praying for!"
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty,
slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them,
"The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said:
"How well can you do?" "Ummm...I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it’s hopeless.
That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says:
"How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says:
"Liver alone, cheese mine."
Three English men were walking through a desert. They were tired and thirsty but most of all hungry.
Soon, they came across a nomad with about two camels, one alive and one very much dead.
The nomad said "Hey there, you guys look hungry" The three men all nodded. "I tell you what, I was about to start eating this camel.
I'll share it with you" The three men soon started arguing about who gets what when one of them chimes in with a "Alright guys, how about this?
Whatever football team we support dictates what part of the camel we can have."
So he goes "Well, I support Liverpool." So he got the liver "I support Hartlepool." said the second man.
So he got the heart.
The last guy said "I support Arsenal but I'm not hungry."
One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says:
"No, we don't sell grapes."
The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question.
The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes."
The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. This time the manager says:
"No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!" The duck goes home.
It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails.
The manager says:
"No, I don't have any nails."
The duck says:
"Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog. "I've led a very full life," says the dog.
"I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims.
Then I served my country in Iraq.
And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner,
"Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?" The owner says:
"Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says:
"Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one.
"It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies:
"Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere."
He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered in blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.
Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, glumly, "I didn't."
A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot.
He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him.
After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says: "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."
The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer.
About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says:
"I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"
Irish Bobby went to American for his dream to make a lot of money. Luck striking like lightning, he found himself invited to "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Many questions later and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million dollars, he has only one lifeline left - phone a friend. The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?"
A) a Sparrow,
B) a Swallow,
C) a Blackbird or
D) a Cuckoo Bobby doesn't know so he calls his friend Billy.
Billy answers 'by Christ Bobby, it's a cuckoo - 100%.'
Bobby goes with the advice his friend gave him and indeed that answer wins the million dollars and he is so very happy.
Afterward, Bobby rings Billy and asks him "How the heck did you know that? You're no bird expert!"
"Well Bobby you idiot," Said Billy,
"What an easy question,
He lives in a bloody clock, right?"
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.
The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis."
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird,
"Did anything happen today?"
The parrot said,
"Yes, the milk man came over."
The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?"
The bird said,
"I don’t know; I got hard and fell."
It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.
When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked,
"How was your journey?" The baby mosquito replied,
"It went great.
Everyone was clapping for me!"
There is a drunk guy in a bar and a big, fat woman with a parrot on her shoulder.
She sits by the drunk guy and he looks over at her and says:
"Where'd you get that hog?" She looks at him and frowns. He takes a few more drinks, then he says: "Where'd you get that hog?" She looks and says:
"I'll have you know, this is not a hog, this is a parrot!" The dude says:
"Well I'll have you know, I was talking to the hog."
A man named Adam walked along a forest trail, when suddenly he was stopped by an evil looking crone, who calls herself a witch.
The witch screeches at him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed!" Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back,
or you most surely will be cursed!"
Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato."
Witch: "Very well, then.
You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still Adamant.
According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv". Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!"
The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda.
Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda,
"A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring.
Eats, shoots, and leaves."
Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives. The first man says: "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician.
When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house,
and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
The second man says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter.
Last night I found a tool belt in the laundry basket, and we've not had any renovations to the house in years..."
The third man says: "I'm in the same boat, but I don't think you two have it as bad as I do...
My wife is having an affair with a horse!"
The two other man both look at him with a confused look and demand an explanation.
Has he gone insane? Has she?
What the heck was he talking about?
The third man lies back and says: "It's very simple, boys, when I got home last night,
I found a jockey hidden in the wardrobe."
A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said,
"I'm terribly sorry.
I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you."
The woman replied,
"Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"