Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it"......
''Well,' said the big Croc, What have you been eating"...?
"Politicians, same as you", replied the small Croc,
'And I can tell you how I catch them in the car park next to Parliament.
I crawl up under one of their posh cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
See by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician,
there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body. So I asked her, How about a little head?
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist” The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?” The girl says, “Easy… you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, “You must be a great dentist.” The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?” The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue,
but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister,
I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth.
To see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked,
"well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either.
Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed,
"Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God.
If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me.
Stick it in the camel!"
A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears. The old man answered:"
It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life.
You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby.
First, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear.
Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion.
It should also make the same sound back at you. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger.
Easy, right?" The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months.
After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind.
He asked him what happened. The newbee says: "I did as what you told me before.
But god darn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!',
I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!"
What is the difference between a cat and a dog?
Dogs think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so they must be Gods.
Cats think, "Humans are benevolent, they feed me and take care of me, so I must be God."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim,
but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!"
He asks in panic.
"No," the old man hollered back, "haven’t been any for years!"
Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, "Say, how’d you get rid of the gators,
anyway?" "We didn’t do anything," the old man said. "The sharks have eaten them."
A bear, a moose, a fox, a wolf and a snail were playing cards around a table.
Suddenly, the bear let out a faint roar and said: "Guys, I’m hungry.
Could someone go buy some chocolate, or whatever?"
The moose shook his head and nodded towards the fox, who irritatingly slammed his little paw on the table and muttered: "Why me? Why can’t the wolf do it?"
But the snail bravely interrupted the conversation, before it got out of hand:
"Guys, guys! There’s no reason to fight. I’ll go."
The bear smiled a little and handed the snail a few,
rolled-up dollars from his pockets: "Thanks, man. I appreciate it. While you’re at it,
buy something to drink, will ya?" The snail winked, grabbed the money and briskly started to make his way out the door.
Half an hour went by... An hour... An hour and a half... Almost two hours...
At last, the bear snapped, dropped his cards to the floor and yelled:
"Hey, you know what?
I think the little bastard took the money and just left!"
A small yet fierce scream then came from near the door: "If you’re gonna start insulting me,
I’m not leaving at all!"
A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible.
Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail.
The snail says:
"Hey man, what did you do that for?!"
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.
After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry.
The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves.
The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim,
so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures.
So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.
Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.
They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy!
They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.
They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn.
He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun.
The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree.
I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground.
The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck."
The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says:
"Oh, that's for you.
In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla."
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.
The vet says: "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks.
The vet says: "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies:
"I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis.
The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
A old snake goes to see his doctor and says:
"I need something for my eyes… I can’t see very well these days".
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.
The snake comes back in two weeks and tells the doctor that he’s very depressed.
"What’s the problem?" Asks the doctor. "Didn’t the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc."
Answers the snake dejectedly.
"Thing is, I just discovered I’ve been living with a garden hose the past 2 years."
Man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'".
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says: "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says:
"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!"
says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent,
jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that,
so he asks the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replies: "He just found a bomb!"
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,
"Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo."
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said,
"Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!"
The boy answered,
"I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
A man walk into a bar and says: "Give me something to drink just no vodka."
The bartender asks: "Why? That's your typical drink of choice." The man replies:
"Because last night I got drunk and blew Chunks." The bartender says: "Well, it's normal to blow chunks if you drink too much.
The man says:
"No, Chunks is my dog."
Robert went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Robert picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp,
they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Robert,
"The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."
One day, a gentleman's wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests,
"Wanna grab a pint?" To which the man replies:
"No, I should really be getting back, my wife'll be pissed if I'm late for her dinner."
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
"Oops! I'm 4 hours late for the darn dinner!"
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps,
raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
"Where the hell have you been?! You're four hours late for dinner!
Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!" The man, knowing he's screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, "Five feet more lads, we're almost there!"
Two nuns from Ireland come to tour New York City.
Before they come, they hear that Americans eat dogs, so they both agree to try it when they arrive.
As they're walking around New York, they hear, "Hot Dogs! Get your hot dogs!"
They rush over to get one!
As the first nun opens hers, her face turns white and she gasps,
"What part did you get?!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him. "The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said,
"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well," he began,
"I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa.
We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest.
I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!'
Well... I just crapped my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said,
"I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said,
"No, no, not then, just now when I said 'ROOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!'"