A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg.
The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies:
"That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says: "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says:
"That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse.
His brand new bride yells,
"That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says:
Two flys are out on a date, so they go out on the town and see fresh dog poop on the side of the road.
They rush down and start feasting, when one of the flies stops and has the biggest relieved face.
The other fly asks, "Are you okay?" The fly responds with a squirmish smile and the other fly smells something funky and says:
"Dude, how rude! You fart while I'm eating!"
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies: "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies:
"Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says:
"Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says:
"Shut up, Cinderblock."
A man is attending a function in another village, riding a horse. As he is about to go, he notices that his horse is missing.
He shouts, asking for his horse, but nobody seems to know where it is.
"If I don't find my horse, I will do exactly what I did when I lost my first horse!"
Suddenly, the horse appears. Out of curiosity, a man goes up to him and asks: "What did you do when you lost your first horse?"
He replies: "I walked."
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the MERRY-GO-ROUND!
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the duck's former owner,
"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
A man's big rottweiler has been losing its vision, so the owner brings the dog to the vet.
The veterinarian picks the dog up and says: "I will have to put him down." The owner asks,
"Why? Because he's blind?" The vet replies:
"No, he's heavy. I need to put him down."
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling,
"Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them DAM FISH"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife,
and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
"That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.
The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts," says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron.
"Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
One day a big tortoise, a middle sized tortoise and a small tortoise went into a cafe.
They ordered three banana splits. While they were waiting they noticed it had begun to rain.
"Look at that," said the big tortoise, "we should have brought our umbrella."
"You're right," said the middle tortoise. "Let's send the little one back to get it."
"I'll go," said the little one. "But only if you promise not to eat my banana split."
The big tortoise and the middle tortoise promised.
A few days later the big tortoise said to the middle tortoise,
"Come on, let's eat his banana spilt any way."
"All right," said the middle tortoise.
At that moment the little tortoise shouted from the end of the cafe,
"You do that and I won't get your umbrella!"
A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain.
"Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee." "Don't worry;" says the doctor,
"I'll put some cream on it." "You will never find that bee.
It must be miles away by now." "No, you don't understand!"
Answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house." "No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated,
"I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you." "On my finger!" screamed the man in pain.
"The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts." "Which one?" the doctor.
"How am I supposed to know? All the bees look the same to me!"
A first grade teacher was telling her students the story of "Chicken Little."
She got to the part when Chicken Little ran up to the Farmer saying, "The sky is falling.
The sky is falling." Then the teacher paused and asked the kids what they thought the farmer said.
One little girl raised her hand and the teacher called on her. The little girl then said,
"I think the farmer said Holy cow, a talking chicken!"
Two turtles were walking across the road, when suddenly a bright red car came racing around the corner and straight for them,
one said to the other, "RUN!"
There were 2 cats looking into a green canary's cage. The first cat said to the second cat, "That's not a canary, it's green!"
The second cat said, "I don't know, maybe it's not ripe yet!"
So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives.
His friend says, "Please come back to us." The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore."
His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue!
You used to lead us and we miss you!"
Almost dropping his cup due to the tugging, the rabbit rights himself and says,
"You almost made me break my favorite cup! Please leave!" His friend angrily storms off.
The rabbit's wife comes out and says,
"What was that about?" The rabbit says,
"My friend wanted me to lead the community at the synagogue again,
but I would've had to drop the tea."
There were three male dogs, a Golden Retriever, a Lab, and Chihuahua, walking down the street.
On their walk, they met a beautiful French Poodle. They all ran up to the poodle.
The poodle says to the three dogs, "Since you all want to marry me, whoever can say liver and cheese in a complete sentence will get to marry me."
The Golden Retriever says, "I love liver and cheese."
The poodle replied, "How childish"
The Lab says, "I hate liver and cheese."
"You're hopeless," said the poodle.
The Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
One day a lady entered a pet shop.
Lady: May I have a rabbit for my daughter?
Storekeeper: Sorry Ma'am, we don't do trades.
A man decided to start a chicken farm and brought 24 to get started.
A week later he bought another 24 and another 24 the week after that.
When his friend asked how his chicken farm was coming along the man replied,
"Not one of them has grown yet.
I wonder if I'm planting them too deep?"
A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk, so she asks her mother whether she can take Lulu for a walk around the block.
Her mother says "No, sweetie. Lulu is in heat."
"What does that mean?", asks the girl.
"Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?" says the busy mother. So the girl goes to her father in the garage and asks
"I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she’s in heat and to ask you about it.". The father takes a rag,
pours some petrol on it, and then rubs Lulu’s backside with it to disguise the scent.
"Now you can take her for a walk", he says. "Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine".
So the little girl skips happily away with Lula trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returns with an empty leash, and no Lulu.
Concerned, her dad asked "Where’s Lulu, sweetie?" "She ran out of gas halfway around the block",
the girl replied, "so the neighbor's dog is giving her a push home."