There were three pigs and they walked into a restaurant. The waiter said, "What do you want to eat?" The first pig ordered fish and chips the second ordered pizza and the third ordered water. The waiter came again and said, "What do you want for dessert?" The first pig wanted custard, the second some cake and the third wanted water again. The waiter said, "Why do you always have water?" The pig replied: "Because one of us has to go wee, wee, wee all the way home!"

A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy near a dog. The woman asks, "Does your dog bite?"
The guy replied,"No."
The woman reached down to pet the dog and it bit her. "I thought you said he didn't bite,"she yelled.
"That's not my dog,"he yelled!

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake
What do you call a cow spying on another cow?
A steak out.
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decalfinated.
What's the most musical part of a chicken?
The drumstick!
What’s a cats favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse.
What’s black and white and blue?
A depressed zebra.
Where did the cow want to go on Friday night?
To the moo-vies!
Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The Baaaa-hamas!
Why did the elephant stay in the airport?
They were waiting for their trunk.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night
What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish!
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away their credit cards.
What day do chickens fear the most?
Fry-days.
What did mama cow say to baby cow?
"It’s pasture bedtime."
What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies?
"Should we walk home or take a dog?"
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison!
Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
They kept dropping their trunks!
Why did the fish blush?
It saw the ocean’s bottom.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a dog magician?
A Labracadabrador!
What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?
A box of quackers!
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
I don’t know, but you can step in a poodle.
What has fangs and webbed feet?
Count Duckula.
What is a cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice!
What is a dog's favorite city?
New Yorkie!
What is more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
What kind of ant is even bigger than an elephant?
A gi-ant!
What kind of computers do horses use?Macintosh.
What kind of jungle cat is no fun to play games with?
A cheetah.
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet.
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!
Why do cats always get their way?
They make a purr-suasive case.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being a-moosed!
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Why was the cow afraid?
He was a cow-herd.
What kind of sports cars do cats drive?
Fur-arris.
What kind of ties do pigs wear?
Pig sties!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
"Ouch!"
What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you?
Big ones!
What time does a duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
What to rabbits eat for breakfast?
IHOP.
What was the first animal in space?
The cow that jumped over the moon.
What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear!
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor.
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath?
Polly unsaturated!
What do you call a sleeping cow?
A bull-dozer.
What do you call a thieving alligator?
A crook-o-dile.
What do you call an alligator who is a thief?
A crookodile!
What do you call an alligator who solves mysteries?
An investgator!
What do you call an alligator with a spy glass?
An investigator.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad!
What do you call shaving a crazy sheep?
Shear madness.
What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth!
Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The Baaaahamas.
Where do fish sleep?On a water bed.
Where do milkshakes come from?
Nervous cows.
Which kinds of snakes are found on cars?
Who stole the soap out of the bathtub?
The robber ducky.
Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.
Why are cats so good at video games?
Because they have nine lives.
Why are dogs like phones?
Because they have collar IDs.
Why are elephants never rich?
Because they work for peanuts!
Why can’t a leopard hide?
Beca
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk!
What do you get if you cross a chicken and a cow?
A roost beef.
What do you get if you cross fireworks with a duck?
Firequackers!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost beef!
What do you get when you cross a hammock and a dog?
A rocker spaniel!
What do you get when you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A collie-flower!
How do horses stay in such great shape?
They keep a stable diet.
How do you say bye-bye to a curly-haired dog?
Poodle-oo.
What was the goal of the detective duck?
To quack the case, of course.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
"Ruff!"
What did the horse say when it fell?
"I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!"
What did the judge say when the skunk came into his courtroom?
Odor in the court!
What does a fish do in a crisis?Sea-kelp.
What does the horse say when the bartender greets him by saying "hey"?"
You read my mind!"
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
What goes "ooo ooo oo"?
A cow with no lips.
What happens to a toad's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class?"
"Why the long face?"
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries!
What do fish do at football games?
They wave.
What do you call a cat that’s in trouble with the police?
A purr-petrator.
What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots.
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost!

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said,
"Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said,
"Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

BEST DUCK JOKES

Ducks can only look down for a short while.
Otherwise they get a quack in their neck.

​Who stole the shampoo bottle from the bathtub?
The robber ducky.

What do you get if you cross a duck with a skyrocket?
A firequacker.

Why do ducks fly south for the winter?
Because it is way too far to waddle.

What did one duck say to the other duck that was bending over?
I can see your butt quack.

What time do the earliest ducks get up?
At the quack of dawn.

Why did the duck cross the road?
He was following the chicken.

When is a roast duck really bad for you?
When you are the duck.

Where did the mama duck take her sick duckling?
To the ducktor.

What do ducks get when they eat fancy?
A bill.

What did mama duck say to the duckling who skipped school?
I demand an eggsplanation.

Why did the little duckling get sent out of the classroom?
He kept quacking jokes.

What do ducks use to fix everything?
Duck tape.

Have you seen the hour long tv show all about ducks?
It is an excellent duckumentary.

Why did the duck go broke?
He had too many bills.

What do you get if you cross some ducks with a cow?
Milk and quackers.

A man walks into the pet store and says, "How much for the duck?"
The pet store clerk says, "30 dollars."
The man says, "Ok, just send me the bill."
The pet store clerk replies, "Sorry but you have to take the whole bird!"

Why do ducks lay eggs?
They would break it they just dropped them.

Where did the duck go when he hurt his back?
The chiro-quacktor.

What do you call it when it is absolutely raining falling ducks from the sky?
Foul weather.

Why do ducks go quack quack?
Because they are unable to go woof woof.

Why were the ducks made to leave the basketball game?
Too many fowls.

A duck and a man are walking down the road together. All of a sudden,
the man notices a low-flying plane heading straight for them! The man screams out "DUCK!"
To which the duck looks back at him with a confused face and yells "MAN!"

What do you have when you cram a whole bunch of ducks into a cardboard box?
A box of quackers.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.

Why did the police call up a duck when a farm animal went missing?
To help them quack the case.

What did the duck say when he knocked the dish rack over?
I hope I didn't quack any.

What goes "quick quick"?
A duck with the hiccups.

What did the duck say to the bartender when he bought his friend a drink?
Just add it to my bill.

What did the duck get for christmas?
A christmas quacker.

What do you call a duck that does drugs?
A quack head.

A duck walks into a department store and picks up a chapstick.
He heads over to the checkout clerk and says "just put it on my bill".

Why did the egg quack?
Because I dwopped it.

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Got any free bread?" The bartender replies,
"No." The duck flaps his wings, quacks, and leaves. The following day the duck walks into the bar again and asks,
"got any free bread?" The bartender replies, "No, and if you come back in here asking for free bread again, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!"
The duck flaps his wings, quacks, and leaves again. The very next day the bartender sees the duck back at the bar and says, "All right you cheeky duck, what is it today?"
The duck replies, "Got any nails?" The bartender says, "No." Then the duck says, "Got any free bread?"

Did you hear about the duck who received terrible medical treatment at the hospital?
He saw a real quack.

Why was the duck arrested?
He was caught selling quack.

What was the gangsta ducks favourite rap song?
Duck the police.

Donald Duck waddles into a chemist and oreders a pack of condoms.
"Certainly, sir," said the lady behind the counter.
"Shall I put them on your bill?"
Donald Duck replied, "Thit no! I'll thuficate!"

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.
After a few hours just lying about, the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said: "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?" "Well, mostly politicians that come here with their mistresses, same as you!" Replied the small Croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"On the other side of the river near the car park." "Same here. Hmm... Tell me your method. How do you catch them?" asked the big Croc. "Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of them and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an asshole with a briefcase."

"Do you have pets?"
"Yes, a goldfish."
"Any hobbies?"
"Well actually, he really loves swimming."

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied: “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”