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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine.
But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort.
When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him.
Written on it in large black letters was the message:
"Get well soon… from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week.
I’ll be round to remove the tape later."

A long time married couple sitting quietly reading when the wife asks: "Honey, if something should happen to me would you re marry?"
He replies: "Well, you'd be gone and I'd be alone otherwise, so yes I guess I would." "I see" she replies angrily. A few minutes later she asks: "So would you let your new wife wear my expensive clothes?"
He answers: "Well, if she wanted to, and they fit then sure, I guess so."
"I see" she replies even angrier. A few more minutes pass and she then asks: "Well what about the new eight hundred dollar motorcycle helmet you bought for me, I suppose she'd be wearing that too?"
He replies: "No, she's got her own helmet"

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.
Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says: "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stum."

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.
Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says: "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stum."

Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks:
"What's your IQ?" The man answers: "191." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe.
We will have much to discuss!" Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks: "What's your IQ?" The lady answers: "147."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks: "What's your IQ?" The man answers: "58."
Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"

Words to live by...
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his cock and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral): "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."

My wife and I were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny…
We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it.
Then a cop on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket.
I said: "What the fuck's this for?"
He replied: "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone."

A biker saw one girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stopped his Bike.
Biker: what are you doing?
Girl: committing suicide.
Biker: Well. Before you die i want to kiss you please?
Girl : Okay.
(After kissing):
Biker: Wow! that was the best kiss in my life, but why are you
committing suicide?
Girl: Because my parents don’t like me dressing like a girl.
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.