A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine.
But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort.
When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him.
Written on it in large black letters was the message:
"Get well soon… from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week.
I’ll be round to remove the tape later."
A long time married couple sitting quietly reading when the wife asks: "Honey, if something should happen to me would you re marry?" He replies: "Well, you'd be gone and I'd be alone otherwise, so yes I guess I would." "I see" she replies angrily. A few minutes later she asks: "So would you let your new wife wear my expensive clothes?" He answers: "Well, if she wanted to, and they fit then sure, I guess so." "I see" she replies even angrier. A few more minutes pass and she then asks: "Well what about the new eight hundred dollar motorcycle helmet you bought for me, I suppose she'd be wearing that too?" He replies: "No, she's got her own helmet"
Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says: "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stum."
Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks: "What's your IQ?" The man answers: "191." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks: "What's your IQ?" The lady answers: "147." "That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks: "What's your IQ?" The man answers: "58." Albert's face lights up as he exclaims, "So you're the one who rides the Harley parked out front!"
Words to live by... On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his cock and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral): "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."
My wife and I were driving home last night, both of us feeling horny… We couldn't wait to get home, so I pulled into a quiet road and we got down to it. Then a cop on a motorbike came round the corner and gave me a ticket. I said: "What the fuck's this for?" He replied: "That's for doing 69 in a 30 zone."
A biker saw one girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stopped his Bike. Biker: what are you doing? Girl: committing suicide. Biker: Well. Before you die i want to kiss you please? Girl : Okay. (After kissing): Biker: Wow! that was the best kiss in my life, but why are you committing suicide? Girl: Because my parents don’t like me dressing like a girl. It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur: "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said: "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said: "Ya, that was me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal of inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke: "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said: "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention":
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but ...according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and,
in a booming voice,
the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said: "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said: "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied:
"Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
One for the girls:
This biker lady has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?" God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that freakin' truck?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."
The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, step out of the car."
As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims: "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"
Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a motorcycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the motorcycle? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the motorcycle, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the motorcycle."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says: "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says: "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Harley, so YOU ride it!!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says:
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.