A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods..
When suddenly a genie appears. The mouse and bear stop dead in their tracks, perplexed at the genie's appearance. The genie offers to give both the bear and mouse three wishes. The bear, not hesitating, goes first; "I wish all the bears in these woods were female." The genie laughs and moves onto the mouse. "I wish for a motorcycle." The genie nods and moves back to the bear. "I wish all the bears in the world were female." The genie laughs again. The mouse asks for a motorcycle helmet. The genie gives it to the mouse and looks at the bear one last time. "I wish all the female bears wanted me." The genie goes, "My man!" and looks to the mouse for his final wish. The mouse gets on his motorcycle, starts it up, puts his helmet on and says: "I wish the bear was gay." and the mouse zooms off.

Two old farmers are walking down a road when they hear a motorcycle behind them but are shocked when the driver passes them and the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road and a bicyclist comes up behind them and he, too, is headless.
The two old men continue to walk down the road, when the one walking along the inside turns to the other one.
You know, Allen, I think maybe you should carry that scythe on your other shoulder.

This little old lady decides one day that she wants to join a biker club, so she goes down to her local club and knocks on the door.
The door is opened by a big hairy biker with a beard, who’s covered in tattoos.
“I’d liked to join your club,” says the little old lady.
The biker is amused by this and decides to play along, telling her, “Ok, but you’ve got to meet the requirements first. Do you have a bike?”
The little old lady points to a Harley and says: “Yeah, that’s my bike there.”
The biker is surprised but says: “And do you smoke?”
The little old lady says: “Yeah, I smoke 20 cigarettes a day, and when I’m shooting pool I’ll smoke a few cigars too.”
The biker is impressed and says: “And have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?”
The little old lady says: “No, but I’ve been swung around by the nipples a few times.

Biker vs. Sparrow
A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front
of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks
in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the
kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and
puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the
following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says:
"Damn! I must have killed the biker."

Happily Married Biker
Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot
breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.
Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says: "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and
gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order
and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you said: "Lady,
leave me alone, I'm married'!"

A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:
"Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:
"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:
"Sir, he says: it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?" The biker looks at him and snorts:
"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"
"Oh man," says the bartender, that's rough... "What did you do?" The biker says:
"Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."
"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"
"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."

There were two guys riding motorcycles on a windy afternoon. One of the guys was complaining because the cold air was blowing into his shirt. His buddy told him to turn his jacket around, so that the collar of the jacket would be at his neck. That way no air could get into his shirt. So that is what he did.
After riding for a while the two men came up on a curve. They were going too fast and they crashed. Witnesses called 911 and rushed to the motorcyclists aid.
When the police arrived, they were doing a report. The police asked a witness if both of the men were deceased when they got to the scene.
"No" the man replied, "The one man was still alive, but by the time we got his head turned around to where it was supposed to be, he was dead!

Biker Problems "My girl, Ginger, is going to die because of syphilis," mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies.
"No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore."
The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says: "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says: "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine.
But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort.
When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him.
Written on it in large black letters was the message:
"Get well soon… from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week.
I’ll be round to remove the tape later."

Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldn’t let me past.
There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.
I was getting so wound up and frustrated. “It’s people like you that cause accidents!” I shouted.
Eventually, I just couldn’t take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear…
… and then I jumped off the carousel.

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy biker bar
for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing
time, he saw one of the bikers stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
try his keys on five different bikes before he found his. Then, sat on the
bike fumbling around several minutes, looking as if he might pass out
right there. Everyone left the bar and rode off. Finally, he started his
engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He
stopped the biker, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer
test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The biker replied, "Tonight, I'm the
Designated Decoy."

A road-wary old biker walks into a saloon to have a cold beer after a long, dusty ride. At the end of the bar, he sees a rather good-looking "lady of the evening". She smiles at him and asks if he's looking for a good time. Well, having been some time since his last snarlin' he accepts. After agreeing on a price, she escorts him up to her room and they start humpin'. After about 10 minutes of furious banging the old biker asks:
"So babe, how am I doin'?"
She replies:
"You're doin' 3 "knots".
"3 knots?.... What's that mean?" replies the biker.
She said:
"You're NOT hard, you're NOT in and you're NOT getting your money back!"

An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."

An old biker.... was riding down the highway and got into a wreck. His ol' lady was on the back and got thrown. He asked her if she was alright, and she says "I have an 8 inch gash"...He says "I know that but, are you hurt"?