A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says: "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says: "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads
in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day
he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for
sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed
to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about
it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you
gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty
simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside
and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my
tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it."
and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.
He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's
ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his
girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's
going to meet them and figures it will make a big
impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs
her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says: "I gotta tell you
something about my parents before we go in. When we
eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle
of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the family room, another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere
he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and,
sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take
advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses
his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides
to reach over
and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but
still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her
naked, and they make love right on the dinner table.
Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he
grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her
right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better
take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline
from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All
right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

An old timer was riding down a desolate highway when his Harley broke down. Soon a fellow on a BMW pulled up next to him. "Is there anything I can help with?" the Beemer man asks. "Yeah, could I borrow a wrench?" the Harley rider asks. "Of course. What type and size do you need?" Beemer man asks, opening a sizeable tool kit.
"Don't matter a bit to me. I'm gonna use it fer a hammer anyway."
Recently killed by separate left-turning cages, Trog, Grody, and Animal were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Trog and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Trog thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little green Suzuki over there."
St. Peter approached Grody and asked the same question. Grody answered,
"Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the red 600 Kawasaki.
St. Peter stepped up to Animal and repeated the question. Without pause, Animal answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said: "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter.
"You may enter Heaven and you will be riding that gold-chromed custom Road King over there."
Grinning from ear to ear, Animal approaches the bike, but when he reaches the exquisite showpiece, he suddenly lays his head on the tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?
You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding the bike of your dreams, with no breakdowns, for the rest of eternity." Animal replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa? That's my wife!"

Lol This biker went to a store the other day, and was in there for only about 5 minutes. However, when he came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So the biker went up to him and said: "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" The cop ignored him and continued writing the ticket. So the biker called the cop a pencil-necked Nazi. The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So then the biker called the cop a piece of horseshit. The cop finished the second ticket and put it on the cars windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes and the more the biker abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote. Of course, the biker didn't care. His motorcycle was parked around the corner.

When the bikers 7 year old daughter came asking questions about the facts of life, her mother carefully explained how babies were made.
For several days afterward, the child went over this fascinating new information with her mother.
"So the sperm from daddy fertilizes the egg from mommy, and the baby is carried in mommies tummy?" the little girl asked.
"That's right honey."
"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does mommy swallow it?"
"When your mommy wants a new dress she does" said her mother.

Once upon a time there was two Christian bikers that have been riding together for several years. They always seem to see eye to eye on most all spiritual matters except for one. Roadkill insisted that Jesus was white and Tyrone was sure Jesus is black. As fate seem to have it, they both died the same day and with anticipation they strolled up to the pearly gates together and asked St Peter to tell them if Jesus was white or black. Just then, Jesus happen to come up to the gate and greets them saying: "Buenos dias amigos!"

A biker walks into a bar and sits next to another biker.
First biker - Hey, I'm Jimmy.
Second biker - I'm Brian
First biker - Where are you from?
Second biker - I'm from Long Island.
First biker - HEY, I'm from Long Island too! What part?
Second biker - Riverhead
First biker - WOW! I'm from riverhead too!! I live on the cul-de-sac
Second biker - MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!! I live in the cul-de-sac too!!!
First biker - Dude, this is getting scary. I live in the red house, next to the Wilsons
Second biker - NO FREAKIN WAY MAN!! HOW CAN THIS BE?!?!? I LIVE THERE TOO!!!
BARTENDER - OH, here we go again, the O'Connor brothers are so drunk, they don't recognize each other.

It's a dark scary night on the bad side of town where a pretty young Christian lady locks her cell phone & keys in her car.
Shaken with the situation, she bows her head and asks God to please send her some help. Within a few minutes a grungy mean looking biker on a loud rat bike pulls up. The woman thinking she is about to be brutally murdered, mutters under her breath “Thanks God, but I really didn't want to die this way”.
The heavily tattood & pierced biker jumps off his bike and approaches her, asking if he could help. She says with a nervous stutter, "Yes, I've locked my keys in my car. Can you help me?" He picks up an old rusty hanger from the gutter, bends it, raises it above his head & plunges it down inside the window towards the door lock and in a few seconds he opens the car door. She suddenly hugs the nasty looking biker and through her tears she says: "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The biker replies, "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison today.
I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugs him again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Two priests were speeding down the highway on a Harley. They were stopped by a cop who said: "What do y'all think you're doing? You were going mighty fast there, Father." The priest says: "We were just taking the bike for a test run." The officer shakes his head. "I'm probably gonna have to give you a ticket cause riding like that just ain't safe. What if you had an accident?" The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us." The policeman says: "In that case, I have to book you! Three people are not allowed to ride on one motorcycle!"

A young truck driver pulls into a diner and orders a hamburger, french fries, and coke. While sitting at the counter, a group of bikers pulled in, started acting rowdy, spilled his coke, grabbed his burger & fries and ate them, threatening to beat him up if he says anything to anyone about them. He quietly gets up, pays for his meal, walks out and drives off. One of the bikers said to the waitress: "My, that trucker wasn't much of a man, was he?" The waitress said: "No, and he's not much of a driver either, he just ran over six motorcycles!"

A BMW rider went on vacation via one of those Harley-Davidson Cruise Ship deals.
Half way through the voyage, the ship sank and he ended up in a three-man lifeboat with two Harley riders & the ship's captain for a total of 4 people. The captain announced that someone would have to get out. "We'll do it right though," he said. "The three of you will be given a fair test and the loser will jump out." Everyone agreed, so the captain turned to one of the Harley riders and asked, "What was the largest ocean liner to sink in the past century?" "The Titanic." "Right," said the captain. Turning to the other Harley rider, he asked, "How many people were on the Titanic?" "2463" "That's correct," the captain stated. Fixing a hard eye on the BMW rider, he then said: "Name 'em."

Three bikers die in a major accident and arrive at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says before they ever enter Heaven,
"Whatever you do, don't step on the ducks!" Well the bikers thought that this was
a very odd thing to say, but when they enter Heaven, they look around and there are ducks EVERYWHERE!
The 1st biker was talking to the 2nd and, not paying attention, stepped on a duck. St. Peter appears at his side
with a pair of handcuffs and a very ugly woman. "Now that you have stepped on a duck, you shall be chained to this hideous looking woman for the rest of your days here." A few weeks later, the 2nd biker suffers the same fate. Now the 3rd biker is determined to not step on a duck. Years go by, and he's yet to step on a duck. All of sudden St. Peter appears with the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on and handcuffs them together and walks away without saying a word.
The biker asks the beautiful lady "Whatever have I done to deserve this?" "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck" says the woman.

"I was riding my Harley when I saw a sign by the road that said (Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, 10 miles, get screwed for only $ 50.), I thought, nahh must be a joke.
A little further, there was another sign, (Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, next exit, follow signs & get screwed for only $50). Well I thought I gotta check this out, so I took the exit & followed the signs. Pulling into the parking lot I saw only a couple of other bikes. I went up & knocked on the door, a nun actually answered.
I said: "um, I saw the signs by the road." "Oh" she smiled, "Come on in." So I did, then she said: "You want to go down that hall on the right & then knock on the second door", so I did, (knock).
A half dressed nun with the greatest body I've ever seen on a sister answered, & smiled, she said "I'm just getting finished so just put the $50 in the jar on the dresser & go through that door at the end of the room, & wait a sec" She winks, & points to the door, & then saunters out wigglin' one hell of a nice.
I put my money in the jar, & went out the door. To my surprise, I found myself back in the parking lot. I thought this must be a mistake, & turned back to the door. There was a sign that read, "YOU've just been screwed for $50 by the Sisters of St. Mary's, Sinner"

3 bikers pull up outside a restroom. One on a harley, one on a yamaha and one on a BMW. After doing what needs to be done, the harley rider washes his hands, pulls out wads of paper towels, and says "In America, we use whatever resources we need to get the job done."
The yamaha rider washes his hands, pulls out a single paper towel, and says "In Japan, we built our bikes with as little waste as possible."
The BMW rider finishes, and walks straight past the other two. As he leaves, he turns around and says
"In Europe, we don't get our hands wet when we go to the loo."

A biker wearing all his leathers, chain wallet and tall boots is sitting at the bar.
A cute girl walks in and sits next to him and says “are you are real biker?”
He said “well, I build what I ride, I ride over 25,000 miles a year and am not afraid to wrench it when it needs it, I guess that makes me a real biker. He said: “would you like a ride?”
She said: “I don't ride with guys, I am a lesbian.”
He said: “How do you know you are a lesbian”?
She said “When I wake up, I think about women, when I go to the park, I think about women, when I go to sleep I am thinking about women.”
After finishing her drink she left. Soon after, a couple walks in and sits down next to him and asks “are you a real biker?”
He said: “I used to think I was, but now I think I am a lesbian.”