SkidMark, an ex-biker, still drank pretty regular with his old ridin' buddies at the local watering hole.
The bar just happened to be a half block from his house so it was a good bet you'd see him there almost every night.
One night, after too many pitchers of beer, Skid decides it's time to head home. He stands up, takes one step and falls right to the floor. Couple of his ridin' buddies walk over and lift Skid to his feet and put him back in his chair. "Thanks, youse guys are the best," says Skid in a thankful tone. A few minutes later he stands back up and falls right to the floor again. This time, his buddies pick him up, sit him back in his chair and offer to drive him home.
"Nah, that's OK guys, ol' Skid's got it covered." He stands up one more time and goes right to the floor again. "Listen, man," says one of his buddies. "Let us give you a ride home." Skid starts crawling for the door and says: "If ya' wanna give me hand, open the door for me."
Skid crawls out to a lightpost in front of the bar, pulls himself to his feet, tries taking a step and goes right to the pavement. He thinks to himself for a second -- "This is gettin' old" -- and decides since his house is only a half block away, he'll just crawl the rest of the way.
Next morning he wakes up on the floor of his apartment with a pounding headache and blood all over his elbows. "I hear you got falling down drunk again at the bar last night," says his ol' lady from the kitchen. He raises his head up and says: "Oh, mornin' baby." Then he thinks, how the hell did she know he was out drinkin'? "Say, baby, how'd you know I was out drinkin' last night anyway. Did I smell like beer when I came home?"
His ol' lady comes walking into the room slipping her coat on and jingling the car keys in her hand and says: "The bar called this morning. You left your wheelchair there again."

Two engineers are meeting for lunch
Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A lone biker riding through the back roads of Montana pulls into a rest area and notices the facilities consist of a small outhouse and notices a Suzuki parked close by.
The biker opens up the outhouse door and finds the Suzuki rider standing there, throwing money down the hole. This guy is throwing 5's, 10's, and 20's down the hole. When the biker sees him pull out a fifty, he yells at the guy to stop.
The biker says: "Man, why are ya throwin' yer money down there?" The Suzuki rider says: "Oh man, when I stood up and pulled my pants up, a quarter fell out of my pants and went down the hole."
The biker then asks, "So, you lost a quarter. Why are ya throwin' the rest of yer money down there?"
The Suzuki rider answers, "B'cuz man, I'm not goin' down there for just a quarter!"

Biker rolling through town on his custom, fastest bike in town. He's going around a bend when he rolls up on a cop.
The blue lights come on and out rolls the cop. The biker thinks, "He'll never catch me in that car" and takes off. Several miles later the cop is still behind him as he pulls over.
The cop walks up to the biker and asks for his license. Then the cop says: "OK. I've had a crappy day, and I'm ready to head home. Come up with a good excuse for speeding away from me and I'll let you go."
The biker looks at the cop and replies, "The old lady left me last week for a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back."
Cop hands him his license and tells him to have a nice ride home.

At the dinner party... the suave man asks his wife "Pass the sugar, sugar!"
Not to be outdone, his buddy says to his own wife "Pass the honey, honey!"
Their biker pal turns to his old lady and yells "Pass the pork, pig!"

This guy goes to see his doctor and tells him, “Every time I fart, it sounds like a Honda motorbike.
The doctor tells the guy to pull down his pants and bend over. As he does so, the guy farts and sure enough, it sounds just like a Honda motorbike.
The doctor immediately says to the guy, “I know the problem – you’ve got an abscess up your arse.”
The guy says: “What?! Surely an abscess can’t make my farts sound like that?”
The doctor says: “Didn’t you know? Abscess makes the fart go Honda!”

Two fleas are sitting on the beach in Daytona. It's the middle of February. One flea has this bad cold, he's sneezing, sniffling, and carrying on.
The fleas introduce themselves and the other flea asks the first how he got such an awful cold.
The first flea says "Oh it was terrible, I rode down here on the mustache of a guy riding a motorcycle. It was cold, wet and windy. Then it started raining and I got this damn cold."
The other flea says "That's a rough way to get here, you should do what I do. I go to the airport, find the stewardess lounge, go in the bathroom and hop on a stewardess. It's a quick and comfortable way to travel.
One year later, same beach, same two fleas. The same flea has the same bad cold. He's sneezing, sniffling, and carrying on.
The other flea says to him "Didn't I meet you here last year and you had that same awful cold?"
The first flea says "Yeah, that was me and I did just what you said. I went to the airport, found the stewardess lounge, went to the bathroom and jumped on this beautiful stewardess. She was so nice and warm and soft that I fell asleep and when I woke up ... I was on the mustache of a guy riding a motorcycle!"

A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.
They get ready for the uneven race. A countdown is proclaimed and the racing biker speeds away. The old biker shuts off his bike and returns to his beer.

The wind was so strong last night I really struggled to light my cigarette.
Eventually, after 20 minutes of trying, I gave in and stopped my motorbike on the hard shoulder.

While riding one day, alone Biker met a Farmer riding a horse with a dog and a sheep alongside. The biker began a conversation . . . .
• Biker: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
• Farmer: "Dogs don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
• Dog: "Doing' alright."
• Farmer: Look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the farmer.
• Dog: "Yep."
• Biker: "How does he treat you?"
• Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, & takes me to the river once a week."
• Farmer: Look of total disbelief.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
• Farmer: "Horses don't talk."
• Biker: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
• Horse: "Cool."
• Farmer: Extreme look of shock.
• Biker: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Farmer.
• Horse: "Yessiree Bob."
• Biker: "How's he treating you?"
• Horse: "Pretty good, and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
• Farmer: Total look of utter amazement.
• Biker: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
• Farmer: "The sheep is a liar."

WHY MOTORCYCLES ARE BETTER THAN WOMAN

Motorcycles are never overweight.
Motorcycles can’t change its mind.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.
Motorcycles don’t demand equality.
Motorcycles don’t get cold hands/feet.
Motorcycles don’t get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
Motorcycles don’t have parents.
Motorcycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
Motorcycles won't blow you off.
Motorcycles don't care if you have no culture or manners.
Motorcycles don't complain about insensitivity.
Motorcycles don't complain about the way you drive.
Motorcycles don't demand legality.
Motorcycles don't get bad breath.
When you go shopping, you know you can always pick up a motorcycle.
When your motorcycle is gone, you just get another.
With the odometer on zero, you always know that you are the first one to ride a motorcycle.
You can always talk to your motorcycle.
You can choke your motorcycle.
You can dress warmly and still ride a frigid motorcycle.
You can enjoy a motorcycle all month.
You can have more than one motorcycle.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can legally rent a motorcycle.
You can ride a motorcycle all night.
You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
You can ride a motorcycle in public.
You can ride more than one motorcycle a night and not feel guilty.
You can share a motorcycle with your friends.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
You can upgrade your motorcycle at any time.
Motorcycle labels don't go out of style every year.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles always look the same in the morning.
Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
Motorcycles are always easy to pick up.
Motorcycles are easy to dress up.
Motorcycles are easy to get on.
Motorcycles are fun to ride in a group.
A motorcycle won't make you eat some experimental meal.
You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don’t have to convince your Motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think that all Motorcycles are equals.
You don’t have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don’t have to pay child support to an ex-motorcycle.
You don’t have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
You don’t have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
You don't have to wash a motorcycle before it looks good.
Motorcycles don't get cramps.
Motorcycles don't go crazy once a month.
Motorcycles don't have a lawyer.
Motorcycles don't have a mother.
A motorcycle won't make you go to church.
A motorcycle won't make you sleep on the couch.
After you have ridden a motorcycle, you're committed to nothing.
If a motorcycle leaks all over the garage, it smells kind of good.
If you change Motorcycles, you don't have to pay alimony.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
Motorcycles won't run off with your credit cards.
Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
No matter how many times you ride it, the motorcycle is still worth something.
Oil stains wash out.
One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
Road rash heals.
When motorcycles get old you trade it out.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
You don't have to wine and dine a motorcycle.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
You rarely (if ever) find motorcycle labels on the shower curtain rod.
Your Motorcycle doesn’t care what you’re wearing when you take it out.
Your motorcycle doesn’t get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Your motorcycle will always wait patiently for you in the garage.
Your motorcycle won’t leave you for another rider.
Your motorcycle won’t wake you up at 2:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycle labels come off without a fight.
Motorcycles don't need much closet space.
Motorcycles don't need to go to the 'powder room'.
If you twist your throttle hard enough, you will always get ahead.
If your Motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
It’s always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
Motorcycles never ask for the remote.
Motorcycles never ask if an accessory makes it look fat.
Motorcycles never change the station.
Motorcycles never complain when you don’t stop and ask for directions.
Motorcycles never complain when you take it somewhere.
Motorcycles never have a headache.
Motorcycles never say no.
Motorcycles never talk back.
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles don't pout or play games.
Motorcycles don't tease you or play hard to get.
Motorcycles don't tell you to mow the grass.
Motorcycles don't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
Motorcycles don’t remember.
Motorcycles don’t snore.
You can't catch anything but “euphoria” from a motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't have morals.
Motorcycles don't live with its mother.
Motorcycles don't look you up in a month.
Motorcycles don't make you go shopping.
Motorcycles don't mind football season.
Motorcycles don't mind getting dirty.
Motorcycles don't mind if you fart or belch.
Motorcycles don't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
A motorcycle does not care if you are politically correct or not.
A motorcycle doesn’t complain about being tied up.
A motorcycle doesn't care when you come.
A motorcycle doesn't get jealous when you ride another motorcycle.
A motorcycle doesn't mind being parked in the ""wet spot"" that it left.
A motorcycle goes good with leather.
A motorcycle is always ready to leave on time.
A motorcycle is never late.
A motorcycle never fishes for compliments.
A motorcycle will let you have your way with it.
A motorcycle won't complain about leaving the toilet seat up.
A motorcycle won't get upset if you come home with alcohol on your breath.
Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
Motorcycles don't use up your toilet paper.
Motorcycles don't wear a bra.
Motorcycles don't worry about someone walking in.
Motorcycles don't worry about waking the kids.
Motorcycles go down the road easy.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles never argue with you.