A Blonde goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my back hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
Blonde is driving a pickup down an old dusty dirt road when she comes upon another blonde sitting in a rowboat, trying to row it down the road. She stops, rolls down the window & says; "you know it's blondes like you that make the rest of us look stupid, and if I could swim, I'd get out and kick your butt."
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car and is out for a drive when she accidentally cuts off a truck driver, who's been on the road far too long. He motions for her to pull over. When she does, he gets out of his truck and pulls a piece of chalk from his pocket. He draws a circle on the side of the road and commands the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He opens her car and cuts up her leather seats with his Leatherman Tool. When he turns around she has a little grin on her face. Infuriated, he says, "OH, you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she begins to giggle. He is really mad now and proceeds to slash all her tires. Now she's laughing out loud. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is doubled over with tears running down her cheeks. Enraged now, the truck driver screams, "You're crazy! What the hell is so funny?" Through fits of laughter, the blonde replies, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’"?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow. Come-for-da-bull."
A cute blonde named Brandi found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial straits. She was so desperate that she decided the only way out was to ask God for help. She began to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night came and Brandi did not win. She prayed again, "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business and my house, and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night came, and Brandi still had no luck. Once again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car, and my children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been your faithful servant. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Brandi heard the voice of God himself. "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $35,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
A blond couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that “all the other girls were using their arms.”
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helllooooo. . . ," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a blond, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
Blonde: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." Blonde: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" Blonde: "In the pool."