A blonde was new to guard duty at the main gate of a naval base. She had been given strict orders to admit only vehicles with a special permit. When she attempted to stop a car who’s passenger was an admiral, the officer told the driver to ignore the guard and drive on. The blonde responded, “I’m sorry sir, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”

A woman who was three months pregnant fell into a coma. Six months later she awoke and asked the nearest doctor about her baby. “You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine,” said the doctor. “Luckily, your brother named them for you.” “Oh no, not my brother!” she said. “He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?” “Denise,” the doctor replied. “Okay, that’s not so bad,” she replied, “What did he name the boy?” The doctor replied, “Denephew.”

“I put my SOB ex-husband through medical school,” a blonde said. “That’s nothing. I made my ex-husband a millionaire,” a redhead replied. “Really?” the blonde asked. “What was he before?” The redhead responded, “A billionaire.”

“It’s for my husband,” a young blonde said to a gun store clerk while shopping for a rifle. “Did he tell you what gauge to get?” the clerk asked. “No silly, he doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.”

A blonde boxer was getting the tar beaten out of her by her opponent. As she was being counted down by the referee for the fourth time, her manager said, “Stay down till eight.” “Okay,” the dazed boxer said, “What time is it now?”

A blond walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “A glass of your finest Less, please!” “Less?” the bartender said. What is it, some kind of foreign beer? “I’m not sure,” the blonde replied. “My doctor told me about it. He said I should drink Less.”

A blonde tour guide was showing a tourist group around Washington D.C. When they reached the Potomac the guide pointed out where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the river. One of the tourist said “That’s impossible, no one could throw a coin that far!” The guide answered, “You have to remember, a dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde."What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

A blonde took a seat on an airplane next to an old man. As she sat down she plopped a one-year-old child on her lap. When the child began to cry and fidget, the old man said, “That kid is spoiled isn’t he?” The blonde mother’s response, “No, not really. They all smell like that.”

A blonde was at an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round-trip ticket. The ticket agent said, “Where to?” The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Duuuh, back here.”

A blonde was filling out an application for college. One question asked the applicant to state his or her church preference. Her response: “Red brick.”

A blonde asked the waitress to take back part of her order. The waitress asked, “What’s wrong with it?” The blonde responded, “It’s the hash-browns. They taste like potatoes.”

A blonde man dialed 411 and asked the operator, “I’d like the phone number for Martha Smith in Atlanta, Ga. The operator replied, “There are multiple listings. Do you have a street name?” The man said, “Most people call me Slick.”

A blonde was painting a baby’s room in a parka and mink coat when her husband came home on a hot summer day. He asked her why she was so heavily bundled up. She responded, “I wanted to do a good job and the instructions say, ‘For best results put on two coats.’”

Two women, a blonde and a brunette, were eating breakfast in coffee shop. A cell phone rang several times. The brunette asked, “Why don’t you answer your phone?” The blonde replied, “It can’t be mine. No one knows I’m here.”