A blonde woman told a friend that she bet twenty-five dollars on a football game and lost fifty dollars. Her friend asked, “How did you do that?” The blonde replied, “Well, I lost twenty-five dollars on the game and twenty-five on the replay.”
A blonde was standing in line at the Post Office and appeared to be speaking into an envelope. When she got to the counter, she opened the envelope and said, “Goodbye, Dolly,” sealed it and handed it to the clerk. The clerk asked, “What were you doing?” The blonde replied, “I’m sending a voice mail.”
An attorney examining a blonde witness in an accident case asked, “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? She responded, “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.” Continuing he asked, “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?” “No sir,” she replied, “This is how I dress when I go to work.”
A young man bought his blonde wife a cell phone for their first wedding anniversary. She was thrilled. The next day her phone rang while she was out shopping. “Hi hon,” her husband said, “how do you like your new phone?” “I love it!” she replied. “But there’s one thing I don’t understand.” Her husband responded, “What’s that baby?” “How on earth,” she asked, “did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”
A man got a call from his blonde girlfriend. “I’ve got a problem. I bought a jigsaw puzzle, but none of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.” “What’s the picture of,” he asked. She said, “It’s a big rooster.” “Okay,” the man responded, “I’ll come over and take a look.” When he got there, his girlfriend showed him the puzzle on the kitchen table. “For Pete’s sake Lucy,” he exclaimed, “put the cornflakes back in the box.”
One Saturday morning, a man took his blonde wife deer hunting for the first time. After he had given her some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told her she should fire her rifle three times and he would come to her aid. Shortly after they separated, he heard the signal. Arriving at the scene, he found his wife standing over a carcass and a very nervous-looking man staring down her gun barrel. “He claims this is his,” she said. “She can keep it, she can keep it!” the wide-eyed man replied. “I just want my saddle back.”
A blonde woman applied to become a police officer. Since her uncle was the police chief, the interviewer overlooked her lack of qualifications and posed only one examination question. “Who shot President Lincoln?” he asked. “Hmmm,” the woman pondered. “May I think about it?” “Sure, come back tomorrow,” the interviewer replied. When the woman returned home, her mother asked, “Did you get the job?” “Yes,” she replied happily. “They already have me working on a case.”
Two blonde golfers found themselves at a foggy par three where they could see the flag but not the green. Each one hit solid shots. When they walked on the green, one of their balls was six inches from the cup. After some searching for the other ball, they found it in the cup. They both claimed the ball in the cup was their ball since they both played Titleist number threes. To settle it, they decided to ask the pro for a ruling. After the golfers explained the situation to the pro, he looked at the balls and asked, “Okay, who was playing the yellow one?”
A human resource interviewer was discussing job opportunities with a blonde applicant. After the applicant indicated the wage level she was interested in, the interviewer said, “You’re asking for a very high wage for someone with no experience.” “Well, I think that’s a fair wage,” the blonde replied, “since the work is a lot harder when you don’t know anything about it.”
An old blonde woman was sitting on her front porch when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. “What’re you selling,” the woman asked. “I’m not selling anything,” the young man said. “I’m the census taker. Every ten years we try to find out how many people there are in the United States.” “Well,” the woman responded, “you’re wasting your time coming here, cause I have no idea.”
Jack, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
A blond on a United flight to Toronto had purchased an economy class coach seat, but sat in the first class section. Several flight attendants told her to return to her seat, but she refused saying, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Toronto.” Finally the Captain was called to get the woman to move back to her original seat. He whispered something to her and she quietly walked back to her seat in coach. Everyone was amazed and asked how he did it. He said, “It was easy. I’m married to a blond and know how to talk to them. I just told her that the first class passengers were not going to Toronto.”
A blonde went to visit her husband in prison. On her way out she told the guard to stop working her husband so hard. The guard said, “Are you kidding? All he does is eat and sleep.” The blonde responded, “I know that is not true. He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”
There is a factory in Fremont which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Linda is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Linda surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Linda. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”