A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew.

So I planned to convey the message through three posters. First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and fainting. Second poster: The man is drinking Coca-Cola. Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were pasted all over the place."

"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend. "Well," began the salesman, "no one told me they read from right to left."

My daughter called me at work to say I had received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account.

Returning the call to my bank, the operator asked what Josh's last name was. I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

Then she asked for his department, and I said that I didn't know that either.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply.

So I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names."

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you, Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords Clothing Store."

Boss: How can we keep the office clean?
Me: By staying at home.

If you think your job sucks, remember whenever a famous personality dies, someone at Wikipedia has to change all the verbs to past tense.

Yesterday I did nothing and today I’m finishing what I did yesterday.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"
The man says "I’m probably too honest."
The boss says, "That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality."
The man replies, "I don’t care about what you think!"