Appreciating the finer points of the English language correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Prince Harry and Ms Megan Markle arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Harry plucked a rose for Ms Megan in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Harry was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw his Ms Megan had to remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Ms Megan had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Ms Megan she inquired of Prince Harry in a loud voice,
Darling, does your prick still throb?
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb."
One day a multi billionaire was bored, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.
A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've got a deal you can't refuse.
Whoever can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leeches may have whatever his heart desires."
No one replies so the man gives up.
All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leeches.
The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts to take up his challenge.
He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.
The man replies: "I want the son of a bitch who pushed me in."
A British lord went on vacation. After one week his butler sends him a telegram:
"Your cat fell off the roof and croaked."
Upon receiving this, the lord furiously canceled his vacation and made his way home where he berated his butler.
"Look if I was in your place I would have put it more delicately"
"First I would send a telegram saying:
Your cat is on the roof and can't get down, after about two hours I would send another teleram.
Your cat has fallen off the roof, finally after another two hours I would send the third telegram. Your cat has sadly passed away from the injuries"
"Yes m'lord" answered the butler.
Content that he has lectured his butler the lord returns to his vacation. In two days he receives a telegram:
"Your mother is on the roof and can't get down"
A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...
Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement.
As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:
Butler: “And your family name, sir?”
The butler opens the door and with loud and eloquent speech, announces:
Butler: “Dear guests, I would like to introduce to you, Mr and Mrs Bates, and their son, Master Bates.”
A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss,
a very wealthy man.
He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before.
He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than his share, of course.
Towards the end of the night, said guy, needed to use the bathroom, and asked the butler where it was. "Down the hall, 32 doors and to the left."...so,
down the hall he goes counts the doors and goes RIGHT. Walks in and all he could say was "WOW, this guy is really really rich, he even has a GOLDEN toilet."
He does his business and goes home.
He wakes up the next day and realizes he lost his wallet, only thing he can think of is it must have fell out when he was on the toilet.
So, he hops in his car and drives on over to his boss's house.
The butler answers the door and he says "hey, I think I dropped my wallet next to your golden toilet".
The butler turns his head and yells "HEY CHARLIE, HERE'S THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!!!"
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."
Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."
The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course.
On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course.
Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window
The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell.
A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?"
Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?"
Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me.
The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master,
staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball.
Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.."
The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years.
But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself,
leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?"
Wife: "uh I want lots of money...."
"Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite.
Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account."
Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!"
"You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband.
Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country."
Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay."
Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!"
Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman.
I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife."
Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money.
You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different."
Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it"
The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end.
Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt.
He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, "If you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?"
Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?"
Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies..."
The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to fart...
Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant,
he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him.
A substantial and very satisfying eruption ensued.
A few minutes later, Jeeves returned, holding a cup of coffee. Tucked under his arm was a hot water bottle.
"What's that for? I only asked for a cup of coffee."
"But sir, as I closed the door, I distinctly heard you say "WABBADABBABOUDAABODDLE"
One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.
A few hours later the butler comes back.
The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse.
Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leaches.
The winner may have whatever his heat desires."
No one replies so the man gives up.
All of a sudden the man hears a splash.
One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.
The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge.
He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.
The man replies "I want the Sun of a Bitch who pushed me in."
Bill Gate's butler was giving Bill's old friend a tour of Bill's house.
The friend couldn't help but notice that everything in the house was digital. They didn't even have a physical TV.
Everything was a hologram. Heck it felt like the house itself was digital.
Further away into the tour the old friend couldn't help but notice a piece of paper with some ink on it that looked quite real.He went ahead and touched it.
It was real paper with ink on it. Surprised, the old friend asks the butler why of all things in the house only the was real.
The butler replies,"This is where he draws the line."
A man by the name of Ronald Bates came home to find his butler being arrested...
"What in the world could my butler have done to be arrested?"
Bates asked the police officer handcuffing the butler.
"We had a complaint from you next door neighbor that he was yelling obscene remarks," the police officer replied.
"Obscene remarks?!?! What was he saying?!?!"
"The neighbors say that, for a few minutes on end, he kept yelling "Masturbates, Masturbates!"
Mr. Sullivan, the most arrogant man who could do no wrong, was on top of Mrs Sullivan, trying his best to please her.
His butler was holding a dim lit lantern as the lights were out and the Sullivan's didn't like the darkness.
Somewhat tired, he asked mrs Sullivan "How good was it?"
"Felt nothing" she moaned.
Mr Sullivan started going harder trying to prove his masculinity.
After a little while, nearly out of breath, he asked again. "That must have felt really good, isn't it?"
"Didn't feel a thing" she yawned
Mr Sullivan's ego took big lashings. He went for it again with all his might with one life goal, to please Mrs Sullivan!
After 10 mins of non-stop hard humping, Mr Sullivan had nothing left in him and with big
glimmering hope lifted his head up to look at her pleased face, instead found her starting to doze off.
With his self respect and who blown into pieces, Mr Sullivan got up, grabbed the lantern from his butler
and ordered him to have a go at screwing Mrs Sullivan.
The butler undressed and inserted his big shaft into Mrs Sullivan, she moaned with pleasure. As he was
going deeper she was in heaven.
He stroked in and out of her for about half an hour, with her in ecstasy for the whole period screaming in pleasure and orgasmed innumerable times.
When he finished the deed. Mr Sullivan asked her how it went.
"Incredible! I had infinite orgasms. The best sex of my life!!"
Mr Sullivan turns to the butler swings him a hardest ear deafening slap.
The butler falls down and holding his blood red throbbing cheek and inquisitively looks at his master...
"THIS......, you fucking moron, This is HOW you hold the damn lantern!!" Frowned Mr Sullivan!!
A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, answered, A lawyer!
The cow Elsa
A wealthy farmer is away from home for a business meeting shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night.
The calling number is that of his country estate!
Caller: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died."
Farmer: "The cow Elsa?"
"Yes.", answers the butler and you can hear a tinge of sadness.
Farmer is confused, "I don't know any cow named Elsa."
Butler: "Well, the nice brown one who always knocked over the bucket after milking."
Farmer: "Is that all? That's why you call me?"
Farmer: "Well, listen, I have well over 50,000 cows, so you don't need to call me about just one cow."
Butler, audibly shaken: "I just thought you'd be interested, it was Elsa after all."
Farmer: "So please, next time you don't need to bother me about it, yes! I'll hang up now! ... Uh..., eh..., no.... hello wait a minute!"
Farmer: "Uh, what did the cow die of?"
Butler: "The roof of the barn fell on her head."
"The roof of the barn? How did that happen?" asks the farmer, puzzled.
Butler: "Well, the barn burned down and of course the roof couldn't hold itself up in the air by
itself and so it fell down at some point and right underneath it was the cow Elsa and I calculate that the roof was just too heavy for the cow Elsa."
"But why did the barn burn down?" asks the farmer, a hint of rage in his voice!
Butler: "Well, because of the sparks."
The farmer asks, almost roaring, "What kind of flying sparks?"
Butler: "Well, your country estate was on fire..., and the wind was very unfavorable for the cow Elsa."
Farmer, shocked: "But why did my country estate burn down?"
Butler: "Well, your son had overlooked a few steps in the vestibule, so he tripped and broke both his arms. At the same time he dropped the candlestick
with the burning candles. Of course, that was bad luck for the cow".
Farmer, now really angry: "Now tell me, why do you let my son run around with burning candles?"
Butler: "Well, we just wanted to make it a little nice for your wifes funeral."
A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: Can I talk to my wife, please?
The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man.
What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I'll stay on the line
Very well, sir, the butler answers and he walks away from the phone.
After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a moment later, the butler returns to the phone.
I shot them both, sir. What should I do with the bodies?
I don't care, throw them in the pool
We don't have a pool, sir
Ah, sorry, wrong number...
A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early
When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and panties."
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
A very rich british golfer went to the golf course and was going to take the first shot on the first hole, when he asked,
"Butler, bring me my tee."
"Yes sir," said the butler, "with cream or sugar?"
Edward Lear, the 19th century English landscape painter, wrote affectionately of a favorite Duchess who
gave enormous dinner parties attended by the cream of society.
One night she let out a ripper of a fart and quick as a flash,
she turned her gaze to her stoic butler, standing, as always, behind her.
"Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"
"Certainly, your Grace.", he replied with unhurried dignity, "Which way did it go?"
Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.
He had just one problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens.
Mrs. Johnson scolded him time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him that if he did it again,
she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just couldn't resist going next door. Besides,
he figured she was bluffing.
Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot had been fucking his chickens again.
Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front door.
"Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano tonight.
Now, don't you dare move."
Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. Still, as he usually did,
when the butler would announce the guests as they arrived, he would say hello to them.
Just then, two bald-headed men came to the door.
Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door.
The minister asks him, "Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?"
"Well ... I guess I can."
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass,
and polish the silver also?"
"Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out!"