A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said. "Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?" "Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
When a young man left his dorm and moved into an apartment, he went shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products. At the last minute he topped off his cart with a lone food purchase -- a large bag of potato chips. Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained, "I'm a very messy eater."
A young lady was a theater major applying for fall semester classes. At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a huff of anger. "What's wrong, Shelly?" asks her roommate. "Well, all the acting classes are filled. I couldn't even get into Mime class." "Why not?" "How should I know? You can't get a word out of those people!"
My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break. When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him. "Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."
$chool I$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Your Dad
A professor reproved his students for coming late to class. "This is a class in English composition," he remarked with sarcasm, "not an afternoon tea." At the next meeting, one girl was twenty minutes late. The professor waited until she had taken her seat. Then he remarked bitingly, "How will you have your tea Miss Jones?" "Without the lemon, please," Miss Jones answered quite gently.
Student: "Professor, I can't go to class today." Professor: "Why?" Student: "I don't feel well." Professor: "Where don't you feel well?" Student: "In class."
One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another friend suggested. "I thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A GRADUATE STUDENT IF
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you get more sleep in class than in your room.
...your office is better decorated than your apartment.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade."
...you often wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication"
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
...you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
...you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
...you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
...you get more e-mail than snail mail.
...you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
...your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
...you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
...your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
...you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
...you wake up 10 minutes before class.
...your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, okay," responded the kid. So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, her husband asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" She said, "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him." "That's $1020!" yelled her husband. "Are you crazy?" "Don't worry, Hon," she said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!"
Mother: Come on Pete you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for the college. Peter: O mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too. Mother: Yes you do. Peter: Give me a good reason Mother: You're 52 and you are the Principal!
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband. It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me." He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."
A college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
A new student at Harvard stopped an upperclassman and asked, "Where's the library at?" The upperclassman said, "Never end a sentence with a preposition. Cops do it on TV, but it isn't proper, so to speak." The new student said, "Pardon me. Where's the library at, MORON?"
The mathematics professor noticed that one of his pupils was going from day-dreaming to sleep and back. He was oblivious and not following the instructions on the chalk board. To recall his attention the professor said sharply: "Brown, Brown, board!" Brown, startled looked up and replied, "Yes sir, very much."
Why didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.
I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real. Like how she got a job right out of college.