As the philosophy professor looked out over his 8:00 am class he noticed that half of them were sound asleep, and the remaining students were struggling to keep their eyes open. Near the back of the class sat Betty, bright eyed and bushy tailed, eagerly taking notes.
After class, the professor stopped Betty and asked, "Betty, why is it that half way through my lecture I notice that most of the students are sleeping, but there you are wide awake rapidly writing notes."
Betty replied, "Well, sir, the night before our class, I remove my contacs,and place them in the fridge. The next morning I put them on before class."

Once two star football players had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after much begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests. The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked.
The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that it did not prove anything. The teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either."

College student: "Hey, Dad. I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "What, son?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

College is really just kidnapping done backwards...
If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back!

Now that the new "professor watch" site is in operation, my college professors just stand there and don't know what to say.
Now I just read the books, but my GPA has climbed an entire point!

The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits.
"And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring."
"Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"

What did the iodine say to copper?
"I Cu!"

Do you want to hear a potassium joke?

How many Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
TWO: One to argue it's not dark. The other to argue that true light is impossible.

One day a college student comes home for spring break, and he and his dad start a conversation.
"So how are your classes?" Asks the father.
"How is the football team playing this year?"
"Making new friends?"
"What are you thinking of majoring in?"

Teacher: What do you all aspire to become?
Student 1: A Doctor!
Student 2: An Engineer!
Student 3: A Lawyer!
Student 4: I just want to watch and see whether they'll become what they say they'll become."

The boys were arriving back at the fraternity house after the summer vacation.
"What have you been doing this summer?" one asks another.
"Working in my dad's office, and you?"
"Yeah, I've been loafing around and doing nothing too."

Two college girls looking at their car's flat tire.
"I don't understand?"
"How come the bottom part of the tire always gets a flat?"
"Good question!"

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, "What was that?"
The guy smiled at her, "Direct marketing!"
The girl slapped him soundly.
"What was that?!" said the boy, holding his cheek. "Customer feedback."

A young lady was a theater major applying for fall semester classes. At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a huff of anger. "What's wrong, Shelly?" asks her roommate. "Well, all the acting classes are filled. I couldn't even get into Mime class." "Why not?" "How should I know? You can't get a word out of those people!"

"You in the back of the room, what was the date of the signing of the Magna Carter?"
"I dunno."
"You don't? Well let's try this. Who was Bonny Prience Charley?"
"I dunno."
"Well, tell me what the Tennis Court Oath was?"
"I dunno."
"I assigned this stuff last Friday. What were you doing this last weekend?"
"I was out drinking beer and fishing with friends."
"You were? What audacity to stand there and tell me a thing like that? How do you ever expect to pass this course?"
"I don't. I just came in to fix the radiator."

On the first day of class the chemistry professor was asking around the room the elements in the periodic table. "Jones, what does HNO3 signify?
Jones, searching for the answer replied, "Well, ah, I've got it right on the tip of my tongue, sir."
Professor: "Well, you better spit it out. It's nitric acid."