Patient: “Hey Doc, is there any chance I’ll be able to play the violin after the operation?” Doctor: “After some healing, yes, of course!” Patient: “Great! How exciting. I never could before!”

Patient: “Please help me! I can’t stop my hands from shaking.” Doctor: “Do you drink often?” Patient: “Not really, I end up spilling most of it.”

A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body. “I hurt all over,” she said. “What do you mean all over?” the doctor asked, “Can you be a little more specific?” The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then her nose and yelled again, “Ouch! That also hurts.” Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, “Even that hurts doc.” After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion… the woman had a broken finger.

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker." The man quickly responds, "The attorney's." The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?" The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Patient: Lately I’ve had the feeling that everyone wants to take advantage of me. Doctor: That’s nonsense. Patient: Really? Thank you very much, doctor. I feel so much better now. How much do I owe you? Doctor: How much have you got?

A man went to his doctor complaining about terrible neck pains, throbbing headaches and dizzy spells. The doctor examined him and said, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You have only six months to live.” The doomed man decided he would spend his remaining time on earth enjoying himself. He told his boss what he thought of him and quit his job. Then he took all his money out of the bank and bought a sports coat, 10 new suits, and 15 pairs of new shoes. Then he went to get himself a dozen tailored shirts. He went to the finest shirt shop he could find. The tailor measured and wrote down 16 neck. “Wait a moment,” the man interrupted. “I always wear a size 14 neck, and that’s what I want.” “I’ll be glad to do it for you, sir,” the tailor replied. However, if you wear a size 14 neck your going to get terrible neck pains, throbbing headaches and dizzy spells.”

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating. "I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." "I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

A man went to his doctor and said, "Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse." The doctor asked the man to look out the window. "Tell me what you see," he said, pointing. "I see the sun," the man replied. The doctor turned to him and asked, "Just how much farther do you want to see?"

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck!" He shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmm... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking and brings the bird down. He turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

A man visits his doctor and complains that he feels like he has 5 legs. The doctor asks him how do his pants fit? The man replies, "Like a glove!"

Woman: Doctor, please come quickly! My little boy has just swallowed my fountain pen! Doctor: Of course, I’ll be right there. What are you doing in the meantime? Woman: Using a pencil.

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist. "Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind." The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him. The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water, "Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

One doctor ask another if, "Are you any good at palmistry?" "Well, not exactly. However, the other night I did look at a lady's hand, and one glance told me she was going to be lucky," he replied. "Why how's that?" the first doctor ask. The reply: "Well it had four aces in it."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong. He told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with my left hand.”

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, I know first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Doctor: "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?" Patient: “Good new please!” Doctor: “Well, we’re naming a disease after you...”

"What would be the first thing you'd do if you had hydrophobia?" one resident doctor ask another. "I'd ask for a pencil and paper," replied the other doctor. "To make your last will?" "No, to make a list of the people I want to bite."

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news." Dan said, "Give me the good news first." "They're going to name a disease after you."