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A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress. ”You call this progress?” snapped the patient. ”Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I’m a nobody!”

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office and the staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the skeleton in my passenger seat and belted it in so it wouldn't fall over... not even thinking about the drive across town. At a stoplight, I could not help but notice a ton of people staring at my car. I rolled down the window and shouted, "I am taking him to the Doctor's office!" A man standing on the corner shouted, "I hate to tell you Ma'am, but I think it's too late!"

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several of the nurses wore apple shaped pins. I asked one of the nurses what was the significance of the pins. She said, "Oh, these are to keep the doctors away..."

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist's desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?" "After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly." "I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. “Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease there’s no discomfort of any kind.” “Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly.”

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?" The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.” “When did these start?” “Next Thursday.”

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation: Doctor: "Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water."
Woman: "Okay."
Doctor: "Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water."
Woman: "Okay."
Doctor: "Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water."
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me, doctor?"
Doctor: "Yeah. You don't drink enough water."

Three psychiatrists who are attending a convention decide to take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can." The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But... you can only stay for three days. After that, you got to go!"

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh and relaxed. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

Patient: "Doctor, can you tell me what are your fees?"
Doctor: "For the 1st visit I charge $2000 and the 2nd visit is free."
-The patient then decided to lie.-
Patient: "Doctor, this is my second visit." Doctor: "In that case, please continue taking the medicines that I had prescribed on your first visit."

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a racehorse. Doctor: Take one of these pills every 4 laps.

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"