Cop: So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane. Criminal: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk!

The lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the court: "Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now my clients arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish an individual committed by one of his limbs." The Judge considered this argument for several minutes then declared: "That argument is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the defendant's arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled, stood up and his lawyer helped him unscrew his clients cork arm, and, leaving it with the Judge and walked out.

Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels. Policeman: Why, those dirty crooks!

The same guy has robbed the same bank three times in the last 30 days. The FBI, in charge of preventing a fourth robbery ask the nervous bank teller, "Have you noticed anything in particular about the robber?" "Yes," the teller replied. "I notice that each time he comes into the bank he's much better dressed."

An inmate at the local detention center was sitting in his cell playing solitaire. Another inmate was watching. Finally the kibitzer spoke up, "Wait a minute. I just caught you cheating yourself." "Shhh! Don't tell anybody but for years I've been cheating at solitaire. " "You don't say! Did you ever catch yourself cheating,?" "Nah, I'm too clever."

A criminal has an idea for a business. To execute the crooked plan he hires a partner. He explains everything, “First, you secretly flatten people’s car tires. Then, offer our tire changing service through an advertisement. Got it?” A few weeks later, after getting no customers, the cops show up at their tire changing garage, placing them under arrest due to suspicious advertising. On the way to jail, the criminal who thought up the plan asks the partner about the advertisement. “Well, I had a great idea. I realized we could save ourselves a lot of time by stabbing our flyer directly into the tire.”

The bank robber enters the bank with his gun drawn in plain sight. He walks to the middle of the lobby, pauses for a few seconds, turns around a couple of times, and then approaches a teller. Then scratching his temple with the gun barrel, he says to the teller, "Do you ever enter a room and forget why?"

An inmate at the local detention center was sitting in his cell playing solitaire. Another inmate was watching. Finally the kibitzer spoke up, "Wait a minute. I just caught you cheating yourself." "Shhh! Don't tell anybody but for years I've been cheating at solitaire. " "You don't say! Did you ever catch yourself cheating,?" "Nah, I'm too clever."

After separate but lengthy trials two guys meet in a prison-cell and tried to get the upper or lower bunk. PRISONER 1: How long are you here for? PRISONER 2 : Twenty-nine years. Hwo long are you in for? PRISIONER 1 : Twenty-six years. PRISONER 2 : Well, then you sleep by the door: you'll get out before me.

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a corrections officer, "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" The officer laughs, saying, "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!" "That's not true!" she shouts. "He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

A first-time prisoner is placed in his cell with a cellmate. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the cell-block becomes dark nearly silent. Eventually, a voice from across the cell-block cries out "twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into loud and prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice calls out "forty-one!" and again the entire cell-block enjoys a hearty laugh. The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what this is all about. The cellmate replies that they have been in prison so long that rather than tell the same jokes over and over, they have assigned numbers to them as a more efficient way to tell jokes. The new prisoner asks if he could give it a try. His cellmate says, "Sure, why not tell number eighteen!" No response whatsoever, not even a snicker. The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what went wrong. The cellmate replies, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

Picked up a hitchhiker the other night and he asked me, "How did you know I was not a serial killer?" I replied, "The chances of two serial killers in the same car are astronomical."