When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says, "You need to eat the chocolate.” The second one says, "You heard. Eat the chocolate."

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single?” The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?” Cashier: “Because you look stupid.”

Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.

The meal in the restaurant was awful. The diner asked to see the manager. When the manager came, the diner said, “I want to compliment you on your very clean kitchen.” “Clean kitchen?” the manager asked. “Have you seen our kitchen?” “No,” the diner replied. “But it must be clean because all the food tastes like soap.”

A tomato family is walking down the road. Baby tomato falls behind. Daddy tomato goes back and smacks him on the back of the head and says, “Ketchup!"

A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, $0.25 each - three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. “Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. “Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.” “Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”

Customer: I’ll have a hamburger. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with pickles and onions.

Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a dollar," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Sixty cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Goldberg.

Why did the Frenchman put mushrooms into his bowl of Wheaties? Because it’s the breakfast of champignons!

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" he said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth." I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" he asked. "Right here," I said breathlessly. His face sank, "I meant chicken quarters."

Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup." They summoned a waiter to complain. Their waiters looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!"

A horse walked into a soda fountain and ordered an ice cream sundae with chocolate ice cream and strawberry syrup, sprinkled with nuts. The young man behind the counter brought the sundae to the horse, who finished it off with great pleasure. Noticing how the young man stared at him as he ate, the horse said, “I suppose you think it’s strange that a horse should come into a soda fountain and order a sundae with chocolate ice cream and strawberry syrup, sprinkled with nuts?” “Not at all,” the young man replied. “I like it that way myself.”

Two old settlers out in the FAR WEST, confirmed bachelors, got to talking about cooking. "I got one of them cookery books once, but I could do nothing with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" "You said it! Every one o'them recipes began the same way... 'Take out a clean dish'... that settled me."