As a way to compensate for their absence, a group of golfing buddies decided to all pitch in twenty bucks and one with the best golf score would take their wife dancing and dinner. The wives liked this idea since it was more than they had before. Fred's wife was especially wanting him to win and the moment he returned after golfing she excitedly asked, "Are we having a special dinner tonight Fred?" "Yes we are my dear, how does Peking Duck sound?" She said, "That sounds great." Fred replied, "Good, while driving over the pond on the 7th hole, I accidentally hit one. All we need now is the recipe."
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1-iron.
As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!" "Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."
Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day when they arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. With the honour, Jesus stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. “That’s not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood," Moses said. Jesus responded, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 4 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie.” Moses said, “I’m telling you, that’s not enough club!” Striking his shot, Jesus put his ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball and teed up again. Moses said, “I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.” “This will be fine — remember what I said about Arnold Palmer.” Jesus said. As he struck his ball, it yet again went into the water. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try. As he was about to hit shot for the third time, a foursome was approaching the tee with one of the golfers shouting, “What’s he doing hitting a 4 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 4 wood. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?” “No,” replied Moses, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
An argumentative drunk had been looking for a fight all afternoon in the club bar after losing his match, finally aiming a punch at the man next to him. The man ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool on to the floor. By the time he'd dusted himself down and picked himself up, his opponent had departed. "Not much of a fighter, was he?" he complained to the barman. "Not much of a driver either, sir,” said the barman, gazing out of the window. “He's just driven over your clubs."
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. “Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend. “Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, "Ma’am, does this look like yours?" And she hit me in the neck with her driver!
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up, and immediately hit it into the water on the right. Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it, too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don’t you hit an old ball?" I asked. He responded, "I’ve never had an old ball."
Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not," said Fred, "what the hell do they have to bitch about?"
Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin, and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin. A fan in the crowd said "Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?" Mr. Palmer replied, "Do you own a 3 iron?" The fan said, "Yes, sir I do." "How far do you hit it?" said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply. Palmer calmly said, "What the hell do you want it to back up for?"
A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question… "Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?" She asked her instructor. "P-U-T-T is correct," the instructor replied. "P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. "P-U-T-T means merely a futile attempt to do the same thing."
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night? Clubbing.
Hear the one about the bad-tempered golfer who bought a new set of TaylorMade R7 clubs? After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro, "These were the best clubs I have ever played with. In fact, I can throw these clubs 40-yards further than my old ones!"