Why are lawyers always so charming?
Because they have their own appeal.
Why did the elephant lawyer lose his case?
Because his argument was irrele-phant.
Why didn't the deaf lawyer come to his court case today?
He lost his hearing.
How did the lawyer know that the knight wasn't the culprit?
He had an iron-clad alibi!
What did the lawyer name his newborn daughter?
Why did the lawyer have so much trouble fighting Santa's case?
He came with a clause.
What did the lawyer do to get convicted of first-degree murder?
Start his free trial.
What do barristers always keep with themselves to smell good?
Why did the law student go to the court wearing a shirt with no sleeves?
Because he had the right to bare arms.
Why wasn't the convicted law student able to go back to his apartment?
Because he didn't get re-leased.
What did the divorce law student want to name his firm?
Null and void.
What do law students need to make any event a success?
At least two parties.
Why didn't the shabby law student pass his final exams?
He didn't make a good appearance.
Why was the law student not allowed to sleep on the bench?
He was served a bench warrant.
Why did the law student not come back to court after paying his fees?
He didn't have a personal bond.
Why did the airline win the case against the law student?
He forgot his arguments in the brief.
Why did the law student not win his case?
He had no conviction.
How did the young law student end up scoring the best grades in her class?
She closely studied her flaws.
Trial. A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied: "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too.
I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about
his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: "You were speeding."
Man: "No, I wasn’t."
Officer: "Yes, you were. I’m giving you a ticket."
Man: "But I wasn’t speeding."
Officer: "Tell that to the judge!"
(The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: "Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?"
Officer: "Yes, you would."
Man: "What if I just thought that you were?"
Officer: "I can’t give you a ticket for what you think."
Man: "Fine, I think you’re a jerk!"
A couple of friends meet after a long time:
"I divorced my wife." One says.
"Really? How did you do it?"
"We hired a lawyer who helped divide the assets and stuff."
"What about the kids?"
"Well,...we've decided that whoever got more money would also take the kids."
"That sounds fair. And who got them?
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…"
"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit.
Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts…it was still $1,000 a visit.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied: "I’m from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I’m your sister’s attorney.
She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage.
Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry.
Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below.
As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says: "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says: "That was easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says: "Hi there, how’s it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says: "I’ll screw anybody any time, anywhere, any place, it doesn’t matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says: "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along.
The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot.
Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said:
"Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."
"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
It's a nice day at the university, when members of the teaching staff, a physicist, a law professor, a political science professor, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire! The political science professor says: "Don't worry! I'll take care of everything!" and proceeds to exit the room.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"
The chemist replies: "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"
The law professor declares: "Please stop blaming the victim, you have yet to prove the can is indeed on fire!"
Meanwhile, the three turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire!
"What the heck are you doing??" they scream at him. "Getting a proper sample size!"
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked: "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied: "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said: "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said: "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied: "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked: "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says: "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than I am.
We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids… I just don’t get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch ’em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ’em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite ’em, shake the crap out of ’em, and eat ’em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase…"
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff.
Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but no body had been found. When giving the closing statement,
his high-flying lawyer knew there was a good chance of him being convicted.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
said the lawyer. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." And she turned and pointed at the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt - I saw all of you stare at the door!!"
"Oh, we did." replied the jury foreman. "But your client didn’t."
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, 'Four.'
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, 'Four, plus or minus one.'
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him.
In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied: 'How much do you want it to be?'
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements.
After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied: "Hey, things are great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised,
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place.
Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case,
or you can choose to have a jury of your peers." The man thought for a moment.
"What are peers?" he asked.
"They're people just like you your equals." "Forget it," retorted the defendant.
"I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."
It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was
having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat,
falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.
"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home.
Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.
"I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that."
"Would it help to just write it down?"
The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said: and passed the note to the judge.
The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.
The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note.
He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him,
and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again.
He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.
The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."
"But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it.
Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied: "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup."