It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.
The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said: "Boy, are you in trouble.
I'm a lawyer!" The driver looked out his window and said: "No, you're in trouble.
I'm a judge."
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge.
"How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened."
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers,
up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr.
Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" "I do." "Now what do you say to defend yourself?"
"Your Honor, under those limitations..."
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start.
He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice.
"Where are they?" asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver.
"But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair
and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.
Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?
Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes.
The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.
The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already
lived a wonderful and full life.
The boy replied: "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you’ll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train.
The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says: "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you’ll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please."
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.
ng his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says: "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"
Taylor was desperate for business,and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway,
and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied:
"You asked me to give him good advice.
I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What’s happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "That explains the blood, but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour."
Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman... So I showed her."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully.
"I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Why do want a divorce, the judge asked me.
"Your Honour, my wife goes around from one pub to another every night and doesn't return home till its very late" I said.
The judge looked at me sympathetically and asked my wife sternly "is it true madam".
She said "It's true M'lord, but it's not what you think. You see this guy drinks and passes out in a different pub everyday.
I go to fetch him".
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family,
including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements
to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States
for burial is very, very expensive.
It could cost him as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem.
This would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers,
"I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do."
The Consul says: "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it’s not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"
Rodney sat in his attorney’s office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the attorney asked.
"Give me the bad news first," said Rodney.
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," said the attorney.
"That’s the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously.
"I can’t wait to hear the terrible news."
"It’s of you and your mistress," replied the attorney.
A Drunk climbs on a bar stool in a bar and screams, "All lawyers are sneaky thieves."
A man stands up and says: "Hey, I resent that remark."
The drunk shouts back, "Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No," says the man, "I'm a sneaky thief."
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment,
he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. "What a joke!" he said.
"I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman."
Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, "Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?"