SHORT LAWYER JOKES
What do poets always keep in their car to avoid paying legal fees to a lawyer?
A poetic license.
A barrister was embroiled in a complex money laundering case. In the end, he forfeited his claims because he didn't have the testi-money ready.
How do you describe a crazed judge who sentences defendants insanely quickly?
How does a new judge learn who's innocent and who is guilty?
By a process of trial and error.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side and then on the other.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Judge: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
Defendant: No Your Honor, my lawyer took every penny.
Judge: What do you have to say for yourself?
Cannibal Defendant: If you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here.
Judge: Why did you steal that bird?
Defendant: It was just a lark.
Legal Brief: There are two kinds of lawyers – those who know the law, and those who know the judge.
Legal Point to Ponder: Aren't lawyers in the courtroom being judged, too?
My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he's a sue chef.
My friend had to call his lawyer because his neighbor's hair was littered all over his property. Turns out, his neighbor got booked for tress-passing.
My friend, a lawyer, stole my tuxedo after my wedding. I'm filing a lawsuit against him tomorrow morning.
My lawyer went to a rock concert last night and injured his eardrum.
He called me this morning to tell me that he couldn't attend today's hearing.
My wife's parents ran away from the cops after having a hefty argument.
They're now my out-laws.
News Flash: A man died in a courtroom today after the judge threw the book at him. He was sentenced to death.
Psychic: I just got a jury summons. Friend: Again? Psychic: Yes. That's the last time I conduct a seance in a courhouse.
The barrister was late to work because he couldn't find his lawsuit.
The bulb was relieved when his lawyer told him that he'd only been charged with a light sentence.
The golden retriever didn't make any money at his first law firm.
He only worked on pro-bone-o cases.
The jellyfish asked his father, an attorney, "Dad, why did that clownfish go to prison?"
"Well, because he was gill-tea", replied his father.
A lawyer got her last name changed to Demenor, so now everyone in the law office calls her Miss Demenor.
A lawyer got summoned in court for drying his clothes on the edge of a cliff. The judge warned him and gave him a suspended sentence.
A lawyer was apprehended outside of his house for not staying in bed, as mandated by the high court. "Stop, you're under a-rest", exclaimed the policeman.
A lawyer went to his local restaurant to wind down after a complicated trial. "What would you like with your orange juice?", the waiter asked. "Just ice", he replied.
A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney's office and screamed, "I think someone is framing me!"
A priest who graduates from law school is called a father-in-law.
A woman sued a hotel for losing her luggage. Unfortunately, she lost the case.
Abraham Lincoln never had to call for a lawyer because he was already in a cent.
Alligators make good lawyers because they are efficient a-litigators.
Arresting Courtroom Point to Ponder: Why is it called manslaughter when a guy kills his wife?
Boob Tube Point to Ponder: Are courtroom dramas lawsome?
Children are not allowed into the bar examination because they're under-age.
Clowns are most commonly jailed for mans-laughter.
Courroom Justice Groan of the Dy: A defendant was found not guilty of lying in court today. That's per the judge, not perjury.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can you make sure a dock gets a fair trial?
Have the case decided by a jury of its piers.
How can you tell if a judge is horny?
He tries really hard.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving
How did the clever blonde lawyer sway the judge?
She dropped her briefs before court.
How did the lawyer help his friend settle the stolen coffee case?
He was a barista.
How did the lawyer know that the knight wasn't the culprit?
He had an iron-clad alibi!
How did the trial about the faulty windows go?
It was an open and shut case.
How did the trial against the defective door manufacturer go?
It was yet another open and shut case.
How did the trial for the wrought iron gate company go?
It was an open and shut case.
How did the young law student end up scoring the best grades in her class?
She closely studied her flaws.
The judge charged the attorney who killed her yoga instructor with pre-meditated murder.
The judge, jury, and executioner walk into a bar. Bartender asks "Table for one?"
Guy replies: "Yes. Officer's discount."
The lawyer had to move his cow because it got a mooing violation.
The lawyer won the luggage lawsuit in less than 6 hours.
It turned out to be a brief case.
The lawyer's client had to face a death sentence because of his bad execution.
The police knocked over a man's lamp while searching his apartment for clues related to a robbery.
"That wasn't warranted!", he exclaimed.
The semicolon who committed the neighborhood robberies was administered two consecutive sentences by the lawyer.
There are two kinds of lawyers:
Those who know the law and those who know the judge.
There is an abundance of worms, maggots, nightcrawlers, and suckers.
Today's Court Order: Those who committed audacious acts shall remain shameless.
Today's News Brief: A courtoom artist was arrested during the trials. Details are sketchy. Stay tuned for more at 10 P.M.
What did the baliff say when the judge entered the courtroom for the bread baker's trial?
What did the blonde say to the judge to get out of jury duty?
She argued that 12 jurors was unfair, 'cause that's 2 against 1.
What did the divorce law student want to name his firm?
Null and void.
What did the hamburger say when it pleaded not guilty?
I've been flamed!
What did the judge exclaim when the skunk arrived in the courtroom?
Odor! Odor in the court please!
What did the judge say to the battery when he took the stand?
You're guilty as charged.
What did the judge say when the compulsive junk collector's trial got out of hand?
Hoarder in the court!
What did the jury have when a basketball player testified at trial?
What did the lawyer do to get convicted of first-degree murder?
Start his free trial.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
What did the lawyer name his newborn daughter?
What did the legal team call the happy ending of a stoner court case?
What did the lizard judge use to balance both parties' arguments?
What did the owl say to the judge?
I'm talon you, I am innocent.
What did the press call the case brought to trial by a vegan?
A plant-based beef.
What did the smug doctor say to the judge?
You're trying my patients!
What do barristers always keep with themselves to smell good?
What do high-priced attorneys wear to court?
What do law students need to make any event a success?
At least two parties.
What do you call a judge who is exceptionally honest?
Tried and true.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 80?
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement
What do you have when you've got six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What happened to the Italian chef who tried to bribe the judge with polenta?
He was held in corntempt.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What is a group of peers, comprised of 12 well-endowed gentlemen, called?
A hung jury.
What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
What is brown and sits in the corner of the courtroom?
What is it called when a judge bangs his gavel and declares the defendant guilty early in the hearing?
What is the legal term for a jury that takes risks?
What is the legal term for two cats in a courtroom?
What makes judges and English teachers so similar?
They both give out long and short sentences.
What sentence did the judge hand out to the habitual board game thief?
What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth?
The wooden partition around the witness stand.
What was the judge's usual order at the bar?
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years.
A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they're boring.
What's the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
What's the strongest argument against creationism? Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create these species?
When chickens graduate from law school they become legal tenders.
When is an English teacher like a judge?
When she hands out long sentences.
Where are you if you're drunk before a sitting judge?
Which is the only US president who was never guilty?
Lincoln. He's in a cent.
Why are burglars such good tennis players?
Because they spend a lot of time in courts.
Why are joggers excused from jury duty?
Lawyers don't want to risk a runaway jury.
Why are lawyers always so charming?
Because they have their own appeal.
Why did the airline win the case against the law student?
He forgot his arguments in the brief.
Why did the blonde jury find Ester not guilty?
Cause Ester is in a scent!
Why did the book police visit the courthouse?
Because all the sentences were too long.
Why did the elephant lawyer lose his case?
Because his argument was irrele-phant.
Why did the judge allow the penguin to roam freely outside of the courtroom?
He wasn't termed as a flight risk.
Why did the judge choose the alligator as the chief prosecutor?
He was a good interro-gator.
Why did the judge declare the pony to be innocent?
He deneighed all the accusations.
Why did the judge dread listening to cross-examinations?
He had test anxiety.
Why did the judge sentence the man to 10 years in prison for breaking his lamp?
The man hadn't paid the damages.
Why did the judge stop the business merger between Moron's and Duracell?
Cause he could not allow a salt and battery in his courtroom.
Why did the jury find the courtroom masturbater not guilty?
He got off on a technicality.
Why did the jury find the defenant who ate fried testicles guilty of canninalism?
They rejected his testes-mony.
Why did the law student go to the court wearing a shirt with no sleeves?
Because he had the right to bare arms.
Why did the law student not come back to court after paying his fees?
He didn't have a personal bond.
Why did the law student not win his case?
He had no conviction.
Why did the lawyer call the grizzly to the stand?
So he could bear witness.
Why did the lawyer have so much trouble fighting Santa's case?
He came with a clause.
Why did the lawyer make coffee? There was sufficient grounds.
Why didn't the deaf lawyer come to his court case today?
He lost his hearing.
Why didn't the guy who took all the arms off the Teddy bears go to jail?
Cause the judge said he had the right to bear arms.
Why didn't the guy who took all the shirts off the GI Joe dolls go to jail?
Cause the judge said he had the right to bare arms.
Why didn't the shabby law student pass his final exams?
He didn't make a good appearance.
Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington D.C. has so many lawyers?
New Jersey got first choice.
Why was the defendant scared about losing his house throughout the trial?
The judge had not given him fore-closure.
Why was the guy sentenced to life in prison for a little insider trading?
The judge called it organ harvesting. OUCH!
Why was the law student not allowed to sleep on the bench?
He was served a bench warrant.
Why wasn't the Colorado brew chemist convicted on hopped up charges?
The jury wasn't convinced beyond a shadow of a stout.
Why wasn't the convicted law student able to go back to his apartment?
Because he didn't get re-leased.
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
Lawyer: "Is it a crime to throw sodium in your enemy's eyes?"
Judge: "Yes, that's assault."
Lawyer: "I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"
As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked: "Why are all the blinds drawn in here?" The nurse answered, "There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure."
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. "$100 for three questions," answered the lawyer.
"Isn’t that a little steep?" said the man. "Yes," said the lawyer. "Now, what’s your third question?"