A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied: Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said:
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said:
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said: "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon.
Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied: "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer.
Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said: "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked them.
"We don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," said the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well."
They all climbed into the limousine – no easy task – and one of the poor fellows said: "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"No problem," said the lawyer, "The grass in my yard is about two feet tall."
A guy phones a law firm and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says: "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says: "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week.
Why do you keep calling?"
The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Good, Bad and Worse.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant replied.
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died"
said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." The governor replied:
"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer.
They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.
They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said:
"You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Better tell us why you asked us to come."
The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said:
"Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too."
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up…so she took them home and ate them.
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said: "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order."
The second surgeon said: "I like operating on accountants."
When you open them up everything is in numerical order."
The third surgeon said: "I like operating on electricians."
When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said: "I like operating on lawyers."
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied: "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable."
Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning.
One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, who no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.
The first hunter asked: "What's wrong with your dog?
The last time I saw him he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"
"Well," the other hunter replied. "His name's Lawyer.
He used to run all over creation working hard and getting the job done.
The one day, someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case
of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against...
get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars,
and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy,
the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued... and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire,
without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process,
the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had
him arrested... on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence
against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store,
do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $200 due for a consultation.
A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer’s cows, and believed they would his when the farmer died. Now the farmer’s son claimed ownership.
"I’ll take your case," said the lawyer, "Don’t worry about the cows."
The next day the farmer’s son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said: they should be his.
"I’ll take your case," said the lawyer, "Don’t worry about the cows."
Later, his secretary asked: "How can the cows belong to both?"
"Don’t worry about the cows," the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours."
Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all! Whitey went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...
The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre play.
Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped.
But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked: "But why are you touching my back?"
"I’m a chiropractor," the man replied: "and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back.
"I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day.
They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge.
They'll just go ahead and hear each other's case.
The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table.
The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him.
They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well,
but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs.
The second judge is exceedingly upset:
"I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!"
The first judge responds:
"Well, look at the increase we've just had for this crime. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!"
A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off.
A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing.
"I just heard the funniest judge joke in the world!"
"Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge.
"I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!"
Cleveland, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cuyahoga County
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody
law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials,
the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer:
"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.
Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked: "So, what's the catch?"