"You admit having broken into the dress shop two times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, your Honor," he replied.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in twice!"
"Yes, your Honor," sighed the suspect. "I had to exchange it. My wife didn't like the color."
After his death, the family court judge found herself with the devil in a room filled with clocks.
Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation.
After examining all the clocks, the judge turned to the devil and said: "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.
"What's your second question?"
"Well," said the judge. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the 'family court judges' clock?"
The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere...
Oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."
Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked:
"Is it true they'ssuin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin 'them fat an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is thattrue, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin'... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
"Guilty or not guilty of begging?’ asked the magistrate.
"Nearly guilty," said the beggar.
"What do you mean, "nearly’ guilty? Asked the puzzled magistrate.
"Well, your honor, I asked the lady for twenty-five cents but I didn’t get it."
I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked: "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic
violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench.
"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.
"Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys
have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."
Mrs. Swanson declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment
and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.
"But, Madam," said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor,
"this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband.
He gambled away the fifteen thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a chinchilla coat for her birthday."
"Hmmm," reflected Mrs. Swanson. "Okay, I’ll serve, I could be wrong about capital punishment."
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drinking.
But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable,
the case was dismissed on payment of 50 dollars costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?", asked the Judge, surprised by the man's responsed.
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.
The doctor says: "We have three possible donors."
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years."
"I’ll take the lawyer’s heart," says the patient.
"Why?" asks the doctor.
The patient replies, "It’s never been used."
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said: "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said: "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said: "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink.
When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00."
The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!"
The plumber replied: "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I’ll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels,
and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up,
squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he
comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze judge."
Judge Bean and Lawyer Bilgeworth were riding horses. They came upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman’s noose dangling from a tree, solemnly waving in the breeze.
"Bilgeworth," said Judge Bean, "if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you’d be?"
The lawyer looked at the noose. "Riding alone," he said.
The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer," he said. "How much for a quickie law degree?"
"About $50,000," the lawyer said: "But why bother?"
"That’s my business. Get me the course."
Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
"Please, before it’s too late," said the lawyer, "Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?"
As he breathed his last, the old man whispered, "One less lawyer."
A salesman stopped for gas at a very old general store. While he was paying for the gas and an orange soda, he spied a dusty brass pig high on a shelf.
He asked the old man behind the counter if he could take a closer look at the pig, but the shopkeeper said that wasn’t a good idea.
The salesman pressed the issue, and finally the old man gave in and climbed a ladder to retrieve the brass pig.
After dusting it off, the salesman took a liking to the object. He took a long time in convincing the old man that, no matter what, he wanted the pig.
They settled on $20, and the salesman drove off with the brass pig propped on the dashboard.
About two miles outside of town, he looked in his rear view mirror and noticed a pig trotting down the road behind him.
He thought that this was a bit amusing, until another and still another pig joined the first. As he drove, more and more pigs joined in and followed him. The faster he went, the faster they ran.
The salesman sped on at nearly a hundred miles an hour and got a bit of a lead on the throng of pigs that were in hot pursuit.
He began to realize that this was what the old man was trying to warn him about. He came to a bridge over a river deep in a gorge, stopped, rolled down his window, threw the brass pig over the side, and sped off.
He was astonished as he saw the pigs in his rear view mirror. They got to the bridge, and stormed over the side, down to their deaths on the rocks far below.
The salesman drove back to the bridge and peered over the edge at the pile of pulverized porcine pursuers that plummeted over the precipice.
He got back in his car and headed back to the stop where he bought the pig only minutes earlier.
The old man was expecting him, and already had the $20 bill in his hand. "I told you it was nothin’ but trouble. Want your money back?" he asked. "No" said the salesman. "I just wanted to know if you had any brass lawyers."
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first,
"Did you play poker yesterday?"
The priest mumbles a quick 'Lord forgive me' and answered "No." The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him: "Did you play poker yesterday?"
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear "No." Finally the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him: "So you are a Buddhist monk,
I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me! Did YOU play poker yesterday?"
The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks "How could I possibly play poker all by myself?"
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says: "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects?
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."