A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside:
"GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Any person with a valid Alaska state hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you go first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said: "She’s a doctor."
"That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said: "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.
"What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell.
Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said: "I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent,
so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I’m sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants,
"in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny
the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says: "Hey! Cut it out, already." The rear tiger says: "Sorry," and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says: "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says: "Sorry," and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door,
ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer,
"You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god," replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where’s my Rolex!"
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said: "I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
Barry the Basher was being faced with multiple charges of aggravated battery.
He had a reputation of assaulting his victims with a baseball bat.
However, the opposing legal team discovered that all of their evidence was either lost or destroyed and were not able to tie him to any of the charges.
Due to the lack of evidence, Barry was deemed innocent and set free.
When later asked what happened, Barry said: "The batteries were not included in the case."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, "Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I’m a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort.
While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated.
His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time.
You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a leading family court judge back home. But don't tell mother.
She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.
He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court
would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud:
"Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied: "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
"Did you find the file I baked into your cake?" asks the wife when she visits her husband in prison.
"No," he says, "tomorrow I will be operated on."
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this, if you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second." My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied: "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: "a can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5.
The judge then said: "I will give you 5 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said: "What is it?"
The husband said: "She also stole a can of peas."
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says: "I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He’s gone.
"You’re next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement.
"Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month."
Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge.
And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."
The judge warned the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
At a court date the judge asked: "What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?"
"Well, your honor," replied the arresting officer,
"I saw him lift up the manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said:
"I want to listen to it on my record player."
An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's.
The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there.
"I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here."
The accountant said: "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds."
The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, "How do you start a flood?"
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said:" I think I’ll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I’ll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said: "That looks good, I think I’ll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
"Frank Smith," announced the judge, "for breaking into a house in the middle of the night,
I sentence you to two year in prison."
"But your honor," pleaded Smith, "last time I was in court you sentenced me to a year in jail for breaking
into a house in the day! If not in the middle of the night, and not in the middle of the day,
just when am I supposed to earn my living?"