A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times.
On their wedding night the settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle…I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after twelve marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
The bride responded…
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It’s gonna be great!"
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically "okay," but he just couldn’t get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said: "Those who can… do; those who can’t… teach."
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said: "I know I have the product, I’m just not sure how to position it!"
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was philatelic… God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, I know I’m finally going to get screwed.
The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed
his statement from one which he had previously made to the police.
"For example," he said: "when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket.
But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?"
"What?" said the judge, "I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," said the wife. "He knew exactly where it was."
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin.
They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition,
a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries: "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact.
How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple was rowing in a small boat.
Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to shit on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys.
Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three.
The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn’t seem all that bad.
Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud.
It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.
So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said: "We are impressed! Where do you learn to shit on people like that?"
The little one said: "I may be a new hatch but I’ve got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer.
There was a contest on who had the most children...
Contestant #1 walked out on the stage with 12 children behind him. The audience clapped politely, and one of the judges commented "That's a lot of kids, but you can do better."
Contestant #2 walked out on the stage, bringing with him 24 children,
all of different ages. The audience clapped more enthusiastically, some of them nod their heads in approval.
"Impressive." one judge said.
Contestant #3 walked out on the stage, with 48 children in tow, all of different ages and ethnicities.
The audience started roaring and applauding, some of them stood up.
"Wow! That's a lot of kids, I think we have a winner." said one judge.
Contestant #4 walked out on the stage, but he is totally alone.
The audience and the judges are stunned silent.
"What is this?" said one judge, "is this a joke?"
Then the whole audience started chanting: "Dad-dy! Dad-dy! Dad-dy!"
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked: "Is it true they'ssuin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is thattrue, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said: "You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don’t have to," the first lawyer calmly replied. "I only have to outrun you."
A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine.
Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.
Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral.
Do you understand?
A: Yes Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?
In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
Researchers are at a loss to explain the results.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain’t so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies "What are you worried about? We’re both here."
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.
The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to a
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said: "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.
The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.
"Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said:
"Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act
of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car,
whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?"
The woman composed herself, looked straight
at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part,
also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a
transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result
of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation,
and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties.
Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him.
Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case.
"Your Honour,’ he says. "I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.’
"Why?’ asks the judge.
"He won your acquittal.
Why do you want to have him arrested?’
Jerry replies, "I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the bastard went and took the car I stole.’
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of the Court of Appeal judges on them... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a family law judge.
Your gun has only two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the judge. Twice.
3 clowns are in a judge's courtroom.
The judge, a little thrown off by the individuals turns to the attractive girl clown and asks,
"Miss, what brings you to my courtroom today?"
The girl clown responds,
"I'm here because I was blowing bubbles!"
The judge, even more confused, turns to the second clown.
This one being a very strong, rough-looking clown, and asks,
"And sir, why are you in my courtroom today?"
The big clown, angrily replies,
"I'm her husband!"
Finally, the judge looks at the third clown. This clown has a broken arm,
bloodstains from his rubber nose, but a really big smile.
"And sir, who are you?"
The happy clown shouts,
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!