Why did you shoot the rabbit without being a member of the hunters association?
Why did the rabbit eat cabbage from my garden, without being a family member?
Barry the Basher was being faced with multiple charges of aggravated battery.
He had a reputation of assaulting his victims with a baseball bat.
However, the opposing legal team discovered that all of their evidence was either lost or destroyed and were not able to tie him to any of the charges.
Due to the lack of evidence, Barry was deemed innocent and set free.
When later asked what happened, Barry said: "The batteries were not included in the case."
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied: "I stole a can of peaches."
The judge then asked: "how many peaches were in the can?"
"Six," replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole.
Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final,
her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, "your honor, wait!"
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
"She also stole a can of peas!"
Your Honor," began the defense attorney, "my client has been characterized
as an incorrigible bank robber, without a single socially redeeming feature.
I intend to disprove that."
"And how will you accomplish this?" the judge inquired.
"By proving beyond a shadow of a doubt," replied the lawyer,
"that the note my client handed the teller was on recycled paper."
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said: "I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"
Lawyer: "Law office, how can I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson.... He was arrested for stealing a car."
"Okay, can you give me details?"
"Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it.
He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused."
"What kind of car did he steal?"
"A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty."
"Okay, and what type of car does he have?"
"Oh, he doesn’t own a car…"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for the generic profession brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do.
And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them: "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship.
While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.
She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello, Angela.
I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I’m a lawyer," whispered Angela. "But don’t tell my mother.
She still thinks I’m a prostitute."
A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said,
"I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant." "Oh?" the judge asked. "Yes!" the man replied.
"I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's 100% guilty.'
So, your Honor, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!" The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box.
You are just the kind of juror we are seeking--a good judge of character."
The man protested,
"How can you say that?" "Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said: "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said: "I thought he was talking to you."
The Judge said to the defendant.
"I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said: "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"
The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake.
"It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself.
Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"
So the snake felt the bunny all over and said: "Well, you're soft and cuddly, you have long silky ears,
a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The little blind bunny was so pleased with this that he danced with joy.
The bunny said: "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason.
The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked: "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said: "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer."
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they all lived.
The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
"Isn’t it true, "he bellowed, "that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?"
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question.
The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, "Please answer the question."
"Oh," said the startled witness, "I thought he was talking to you."
Judge: "Why did you steal the car?"
Man: "I had to get to work."
Judge: "Why didn’t you take the bus?"
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success,
telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case.
The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning.
I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied: "Well, I’ll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"