A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant´s arm to one year´s imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer´s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Judge to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"
Witness: "Approximately milepost 499." Judge: "And where is milepost 499?"
Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them: "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship.
While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.
She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello, Angela.
I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I’m a lawyer," whispered Angela. "But don’t tell my mother.
She still thinks I’m a prostitute."
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
A lawyer has just settled down in his new office. So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now.
I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
"Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."
While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom.
He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers. And who should be sitting there - the judge.
Judge: "Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?"
Judge: "Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze."
The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge. The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.
Judge: "Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store.
Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me."
The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.
Judge: "Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly."
Kid: "Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom."
"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."
"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. After consultation, he notes the bill will be $100. She gives him a crisp $100 dollar bill and leaves.
Sitting back, the lawyer gives the bill a flick and notices that the bill was so new and crisp it had another $100 dollar bill stuck to it.
Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma, should he keep it himself or split it with his partner?
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: "Where do you work?"
Defendant: "Here and there."
Judge: "What do you do for a living?"
Defendant: "This and that."
Judge: "Take him away."
Defendant: "Wait! When will I get out?"
Judge: "Sooner or later."
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.
He complained to St.
Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then
told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable,
but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would
be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell.
The lawyer asked: "Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"
The devil answered: "We have all of the judges."
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time,
and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them.
He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed out
they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time,
the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format.
Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back.
If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal,
and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So", the Judge said: "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers became uncomfortable.
"You, attorney David, gave me $50000 and you, attorney Goliath, gave me $60000
The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $10000. He handed it to attorney Goliath and said...
"Now that I'm returning $10000 we're going to decide this case solely on its merits...!!!"
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.
More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said: "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said: "I thought he was talking to you."
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch.
The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied: "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea.
The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
A man stands before a judge, requesting to change his name
The judge asks "What's your current legal name?"
"Joe Shitter," the man says.
"I can see why you'd want to change it," the judge says.
"Yeah, everyone's always coming up to me saying, 'Whattya know, Joe.'"
As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female.
"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
"There are no other doctors on duty.
The reason I’m here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can’t tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That’s what you think, Dobbins.
You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones.
Remember on the third day when you called me the "Butcher of Operating Room 6? That afternoon I said to my wife,
"That man is going to be in a lot of pain.’ "
"Okay, Doc, you’ve had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don’t check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely.
It would be negligent of me if I didn’t do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I’m not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won’t file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"