The millionaire was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community.
When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail the millionaire decided to take the ten days.
"But, my good man, you are wealthy," said the judge, amazement ringing his face.
"Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me."
"It’s like this, Judge," the man explained.
"Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one."
A judge asks a defendant to stand...
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says:
"You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back
"If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!"
"I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now,
but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!"
A minister died and to his chagrin found himself at the gates of Hell.
The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, "Yes, there is a place for you here," and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell.
On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a crooked lawyer he had known, and the crooked lawyer was making love to a beautiful woman.
The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister.
"I admit I sinned when I was alive, but why am I sent to this cell for eternity when that crooked lawyer gets to spend eternity making love to a beautiful woman?"
"Who are you," said Satan, "to quarrel with that woman’s punishment?"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.
The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?
Here’s a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied: "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said,
"I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant." "Oh?" the judge asked. "Yes!" the man replied.
"I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's 100% guilty.'
So, your Honor, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!" The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box.
You are just the kind of juror we are seeking--a good judge of character."
The man protested,
"How can you say that?" "Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."
A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite.
Before hopping into bed the bride says: "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."
This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"
The woman replied: "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"
"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness.
"Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
Three men were caught for murder on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court.
After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch.
It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone.
After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes.
Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish.
First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing.
He is lashed 500 times all over his body.
He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness.
When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said: "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me."
Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes.
Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish.
He looked around.
He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot.
He took some time and with deep breath said:"Tie second person over me. "
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another,
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied: "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons.
First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them,
and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However,
sometimes it is very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning, the barber found a dozen lawyers insisting on a free haircut.
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.
They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will
have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says: "I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn."
But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says: "There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow."
So the rabbi says: "It’s okay, I’ll sleep in the barn." But soon, he is back knocking on the door as well, saying, "There is a pig in the barn, and I cannot shelter in a building with a pig."
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. Shortly, there is another knock on the door and the farmer sighs and answers it. It’s the pig and the cow.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.
He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty.
The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said: "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said: "Verdict? Hell, they’re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!"
Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?" Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: "There I was, sitting in my
swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me." Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly." Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?" Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I didn’t stop him."
Defense Attorney: "Why not?" Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my Albert died some 30 years ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Lady: "He began to rub my breasts." Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him." Defense Attorney: "Why not?" Little Old Lady: "It made me feel alive.
I haven’t felt that good in years!" Defense Attorney: "What happened next?" Little Old Lady:" Well, by then,
I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer." Defense Attorney: "And did he?"
Little Old Lady: "Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, "April Fools!" And that’s when I shot the bastard."
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, "I’m fine’?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…."
"I didn’t ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I’m fine’?!"
Farmer Joe said: "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said: "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, "I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
"I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said: "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said: "It’s simple. I just say, "I’m a lawyer.'"
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said: "Oh!!!! You’re a lawyer?"
He said: "Why, yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, making love, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!"
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.
The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey."
The second lawyer responded, "Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day."
Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can’t take it with you."
He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven.
One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases.
She then said to herself, "That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!"
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed.
"If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him.
"Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked.
"But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"