Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them:
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.
Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said: "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn’t fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don’t know what you’re saying.
Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I’m climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let’s say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone.
Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I’ll sign a paper that I won’t sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: "Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?"
Dr. Green: "I’ve treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.’
Dobbins: "It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?’
Green: "No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.’
Dobbins: "You and your ilk make me sick.’ "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I’ve lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady came in the other day limping …"
"Please, Doc, I don’t want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I’ve changed my ways, Dobbins. I don’t prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
Judge Jokes, Court Jokes
A thief just out of court, and his wife calls him:
Pepe, what did they tell you?
Well, they told me that 3 years in prison or 300,000 dollars.
Don't be silly Pepe, take the money !
At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said: "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said: "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The judge winced and said: "Bailiff!
Put this man in a dry cell!"
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge,
"Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?".
The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?", the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said: "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said: "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill,
devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.
And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.
Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I’m going to the church five miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift.
Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However, even though he was certain he had missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUMP." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said: "I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That’s okay my son," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
One day, a man is walking along the beach and comes across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubs it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appears.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," says the genie.
The man is ecstatic. "But there’s a catch," the genie continues. "What catch?" asks the man, eyeing the genie suspiciously.
The genie replies, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you ask for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replies the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asks the genie. "Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appears in front of the man.
"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," says the genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars," replies the man, and POOF! One million dollars appears at his feet.
"Now every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the genie reminds the man. "Well, that’s OK, as long as I’ve got MY million," replies the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asks the genie. The man thinks long and hard, and finally says: "Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
St. Peter said: "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place"
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said: "OK... here's what I'll do
You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK"
St. Peter said: "Great... I'll see you in 350 years."
The lawyer said: "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!"
St Peter said: "We go by billing hours."
Lorenzo Dow, a 19th century evangelist, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter night.
At the local general store he saw the town’s lawyers gathered around the potbellied stove.
Dow told the men about a recent vision in which he had been given a tour of hell, much like the traveler in Dante’s Inferno.
One of the lawyers asked what he had seen.
"Very much what I see here," Dow said. "All of the lawyers gathered in the hottest place."
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says: "Hey! I resent that!"
So the first man asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?"
"NO! I’m an asshole!"
A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied: "This is my property and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said: "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said: "Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked: "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied: "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said: "Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said: "No, I give up. You can have the duck."
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million.
"I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied: "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."
St.Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge.
He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says: "Yeah, whaddya want..?"
St. Peter "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." .
The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for that..".
St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!"
The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..."
St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!"
A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer on your side ...?!"
A man faces a violation for adding horse meat to the chicken stew in his restaurant.
At the court he’s asked why he did it and how much horse meat was in those stew.
"For the money of course and I solemnly swear I always kept the ratio 50:50!"
While the infraction caused many unhappy customers, upon seeing the man’s honesty the judge decides not to revoke his license.
However he in turn must always advertise that horse is part of the ingredients.
With a sigh of relief, the restaurant owner pays the fine and walks out of the court house with his wife and friend He friend asked him: "Did you really put horse meat or did you add anything else with the chicken?"
"Nope. Only horse meat and chicken".
"Now tell me the truth man, come on, it was mostly horse meat wasn’t it?" "Nope. It was always 50:50... one horse per one chicken."
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.
Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.
The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep.
There were pigs in the barn, he said: and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire,
and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door.
When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough.
"The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court!"
he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, "Hooray!"
Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!
The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man.
Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. "The first hearse carries my ex-wife’s lawyer," the man explained.
"My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate."
The pedestrian thought for a moment, then asked: "Could I borrow your dog?"
"Okay by me, but you’re going to have to wait your turn like these other people."
The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret.
The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.
"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge,
"and I've never done anything like that before."
The judge, being a family man himself,
had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.
"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped,
"What does Egret taste like?"
"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"