Css

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.
"Where do you think you’re going, son?"
"Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scared and tried to go AWOL."
"Who you calling Captain? I’m a general!"
"Wow!" exclaimed the soldier. "I didn’t realize I’d run that far back."

One day a general came into town.
"Everyone obey me!" he yelled. But the towns people all just shrugged.
Then the general yelled again "do push ups!".
The towns people just shrugged again. Wait a minute, is everyone married?
Then the townspeople’s wives looked out the window. Wink wink.

Two PFCs are walking down the street.
"Look, a dead bird."
The Second PFC looks up to the sky, "Where? I don’t see it!"

Three Marines are walking down the sidewalk and see a large pile of brown matter.
One scoops some of it up in his hand and says, "It feels like poop."
The other picks some up, puts it in his mouth, and says, "It tastes like poop, too."
The last marine picks some up and sniffs saying, "It smells like poop, as well."
The trio walks away, happy that none of them stepped in it.

During deployment on the Aircraft Carrier Midway, there was an inspection by a visiting admiral.
All Navy and Marine personnel lined up in formation for the admiral.
While walking past several Sailors asking questions and receiving appropriate answers, the admiral stopped in front of a Marine and asked, "What’s the first thing you do after hearing "Man Overboard?" Without hesitation, the Marine asked, "Officer or Enlisted?"

Private: "Is it true that man descended from monkeys?"
Sergeant: "Privates, probably. But, definitely not sergeants."
Lieutenant: "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe, and I can’t help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference.
What do you think?"
Sergeant: "I think somebody stole the damn tent."

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.
On previous visits,
she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation:
"What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

An Airman, Soldier, and Marine are sitting around talking about hardships they faced on their last deployment.
Airman: "The worst was when the air conditioner in our tent broke and it was 110 outside!"
Soldier: "WTF, you had air conditioners?"
Marine: "Wait, stop. You had tents?"

An Army Drill Sergeant took some recruits the the mess hall.
After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them "There are three rules in this mess hall- Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors,
60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

A Soldier and a Marine were sitting next to each other on a plane.
The Marine took off his boots and began to stretch out. The soldier swore under his breath at the Marine and told him he wanted to get up and get a drink.
The Marine insisted that since he was in the aisle seat he would get it for him.
The Soldier agreed, and when the Marine went to get his drink he started spitting in the Marine’s boots.
When the the Marine came back the Soldier nodded and thanked him for the drink, very pleased he pulled one over on the Marine. This happened several times times throughout the flight.
When the plane was descending for the landing, the Marine put his boots back on and quickly realized the Soldier had been spitting in his boots.
To the Soldiers surprise, the Marine was laughing about it.
He looked over at the Soldier and said "when are we going to stop playing these games, spitting in each others boots and pissing in each others drinks, it’s so juvenile!"

A soldier and a marine were walking through the woods one day when they came upon a bear. The soldier immediately sat down and began digging through his rucksack. He pulled out a pair of running shoes and started putting them on. The Marine said "Are you crazy? You know you can’t outrun a bear, right?"
The soldier said: " The way I see it, I just have to outrun you."

General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt.
He threw himself to the ground in terror.
The men stood around with the greatest unconcern.
The general yelled at a passing sergeant.
"Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that damned sniper?"
The sergeant looked down at the general and replied:
"I guess not, general.
We're scared that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.
On previous visits she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!
She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.