An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes.
However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level,
he ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own!"
The shopkeeper replied: "By all means. Just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same.
"So the Ranger went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought.
Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them.
The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay.
Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.
"Since we weren’t actually at war," the General began, "I can’t give out any medals.
We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"
General: "That’s a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "What!
Son, where is your left pinky?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said: "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said: "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said: "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said: "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied: "1955."
She said: "Well, there you are.
You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!
I mean, no sex since 1955!
Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?
It's only 2130 now."
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peacekeeping mission.
During a briefing on landmines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...
Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said: "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush.
That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap...
The Army is still looking for him.
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear.
No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said: "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said: "Drive on!"
The sentry said: "Hold it! You really can't come through.
I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said: "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews,
and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said: "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said: "Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said: "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk.
The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation,
returned the salute and said: "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General,
so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded: "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said: "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia.
The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people.
There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected.
The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can.
After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath.
The colonel bellows, "DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?"
Then the soldier says "NO, SIR."
The colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier says, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap.
After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers,
"DID THAT HURT?"
The soldier responds, "NO, SIR."
And the colonel says "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier shouts, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!"
The colonel gets up to the third squad leader.
He notices that there is an erection between his legs.
The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it.
The man barely makes a sound.
The colonel asks him "DID THAT HURT?"
And the soldier says "NO, SIR."
Then the colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?"
Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "BECASUE IT WAS HIS."
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.
After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Recruits got a shock when their Army basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant.
Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water.
At the end of training, the attractive instructor congratulated the recruits and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask.
From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?"
"Sure," she replied: raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I'll let my assistant take care of it!"