A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M.
he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks.
"My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy…"
A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent.
You could have heard a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by.
Again the Professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face.
The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor.
At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently.
The class fell silent... waiting.
Eventually, the Professor came to.
When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row.
"What's the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?"
The Marine smiled. "God was busy. He sent me."
During the Cold War days, a Russian pilot is captured by the US Army and locked up for interrogation.
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 Fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I don't know" He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"
He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia.
In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them:
"Comrades, learn the MiG-50 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.
The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.
"More!" he cries again.
They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.
They get into a jeep and drive off.
Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.
They ask him why he’s crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder.
Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.
They ask him, "Kid, what’s so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied: "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough, sister.
You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said: "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were asking him questions
"What happened on June 6, 1944?"
"We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!"
"What was the turning point of world war 2?"
"Battle of the bulge, sir!"
"What’s is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought "I don’t know, sir!"
The superior then said "Well, I’ll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday."
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step.
Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically:
"Do you know they are all out of step except you?"
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said: "You Americans.
You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady.
May I sit there?
I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
A new general was allotted to a new army base.
After some time in the base he realized how there were two army men guarding an empty bench in shifts.
He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about.
A colleague said: "I don’t know but it’s been a tradition here since joined 35 years ago."
The general confused as he was went through the past generals of that base till he found the one that was in charge 35 years ago. He attempted to find him,
and found that he had retired and he lived in the countryside now.
He contacted him and requested to meet. On the day of the meeting the general asked the retired commander why that bench was guarded so much.
The commander was shocked.
"So you’re telling me the paint on that bench hasn’t dried yet?!"
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back,
15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sht."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane
and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sht!"
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand,
after swimming 10 miles to shore,
crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions,
says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude,
into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore,
killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh*t!"
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned,
carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said:
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.
The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier
psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."