The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I’m a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he’s a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied: "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied: "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others."
A US cruiser was patrolling when the captain received a radio message, something like:
"Hey could you change your route please? You're going straight to bump into me"
The US replied "no, YOU change your route".
And that "not me, you" discussion lasted for a while when finally, the US captain started to threaten the other guy saying he was commanding a powerful warship. Then he heard the following reply:
"I cannot change my route coz I'm in a lighthouse!"...
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it,
I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later,
eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it,
I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…"
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
The Captain called the Sergeant in.
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died
Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died.
You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
Two good ol’ boys, Jimmy and Babba get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Jimmy says, "Hey, Babba - there’s the NCO Club.
Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we’s privates," protests Babba.
"NO, we’s sergeants now," says Jimmy, pulling him inside
"Now, Babba, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we’s privates," says Babba.
"You blind, boy!" says Jimmy, pointing at his stripes.
"We’s Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jimmy.
"You’re cute," she says, "and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Jimmy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Babba, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means.
If it’s good, give me the okay sign."
Babba goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Jimmy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Jimmy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Babba," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Jimmy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we’s Sergeants now!
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said:
"All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.
I smiled and said: "Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?"
SHORT MILITARY JOKES
What happened to the karate expert when he joined the military?
He almost chopped off his head while trying to perfect the army salute!
Even though his daughter got an A in the maths test, why was the Admiral extremely angry?
Because he thought she spent less time on conquering and a rather more time on dividing!
Why was the major angry when the owl decided to take a leave without informing the authorities?
Because the owl went AWOL!
Which is the place where generals are usually known to keep the armies?
They usually keep them in the sleevies!
What usually happens to any soldier who visits an enemy bar to do his stand up set?
He usually ends up bombing!
What did the soldier reply when his commanding officer said, "I couldn't see you at the camouflage training?"
The soldier, with a proud smile, replied, "Thanks, sir, I'll keep this work up".
What is the best way to describe a soldier who goes to work in the midst of a game?
You call it a deployment!
What is the best way to refer to a military officer who always makes you stay with them?
You call him a company commander!
What happened to the navy officer who went to see a mind reader?
Apparently, there was no charge!
What do you call a weapon which is fully loaded with ammunition?
You call it a ri-full!
What happens when a military soldier makes cookies made out of chocolate chips?
You are going to find a lot of shells of M&M on the floor!
What do military soldiers watch in their spare time?
They usually watch LMTVs.
What is the best way to describe a military strategy plan which is extremely smelly?
You are bound to call it an opodor!
Which is the only place of a military barrack that requires the maximum cleaning?
It is usually the Mess hall!
Why are soldiers buried 10 feet in the ground after they pass away?
It is probably because they are all good people deep down!
Which genre of music is usually enjoyed by the majority of the soldiers?
Soldiers usually prefer Ruck and Roll!
What do you say when a military soldier applies camo paint on his left face?
You say he has a good right face!
What is the best way to describe soldiers who go to get only a single slice of an orange?
They go in a wedge!
What do you call a military officer who visits the bathroom way too often?
You should call him a lootenant!
Which is the best word to describe the biggest of all military personnel?
They are the majors!
What do you call a military soldier who ends up saving a couple of important things?
You call it the reserves!
What do you call a soldier giving birth to a baby on a fighter jet plane?
You call the baby airborne!
What do you say if an unknown army ranger tries to strike up a conversation with you?
You call it a ranger danger!
What is the ideal way to call a military soldier who has a couple of tours under his belt and can take very good care of animals?
You most definitely refer to him as a vet!
What is the ideal name for a regiment of bunny rabbits who have been trained by the military to fly in the skies?
You say that they are the hare force!
Why was the soldier very careful in front of his commanding officer on Thanksgiving day?
Because his senior was a full bird colonel.
Which is the ideal place for all military personnel to buy their shoes?
They all buy their shoes from the boot camp!
What do you refer to as a military soldier who takes a dump in front of his team?
If most definitely is a troop poop!
How do you describe an exercise sergeant who is very calm and polite in nature?
You say that is the drill sergentleman!
What is the best way to refer to a military private who completely exposed his position to the enemy?
It no longer is private but is now public!
What do refer to the officer who commands a regiment of the star force?
You most definitely call him as a stargent!
What is the best way to discover if a military soldier has used a laptop?
You can find the wite-out on the screen!
Which is the ideal way to describe the post of 10 military captains?
You call it a capten!
What do you do if you find a marine who is very hungry?
You offer him a sub sandwich!
What is the main similarity between a military veteran and a professional volleyball player?
They both know how to serve!
What does a military soldier usually do if he has to go out to have dinner?
He usually makes the reservations!
What similarity do the three branches of the military have with respect to the stars?
The navy is known to travel with the help of stars, while the army usually sleeps under the stars.
The air force, on the other hand, usually chooses
places and restaurants based on stars!
What is the number of air force pilots that are required to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it while the other does a barrel roll!
What is the best way to define the navy of a nation that is highly conservative?
They usually call the navy as censor ship!
What grades are absolutely required to become a navy personnel?
You need to have already 7Cs.
What did the pirate captain say when they saw a US Navy ship charging towards them?
The captain exclaimed, "Ohh damn, it's the USArrrrrrr".
Why was the military private scolded when he questioned the color of the navy uniform?
Because he asked why the navy uniform was navy blue in color and not aqua-marine!
Why was the guy who just passed high school and wanted to join the navy rejected when he was asked if he knew how to swim or not?
Because he instantly replied, "Won't there be any boats in the navy?"
What is the main difference between an otter and a special navy personnel?
One is a seal, while the other is an otter.
What is the best way to describe the post a snail gets when he joins the navy?
He gets the post of a sailor!
What did the sailor say when he was about to make drastic changes at his work?
He said that he would take a course on anchor management!
Why do Norwegian navy ships all have barcode imprinted on them?
It is probably because when they return home, they can scan-di-nav-ian!
What does the car number plate of a dentist of the air force read?
It reads Top Gum!
What did the religious fanatic navy sailor do when he sees other navy vessels?
He usually warships them!
What did the co-pilot reply when the pilot of the jet said hurrah after hitting the sonic boom and going faster than the speed of sound?
The co-pilot simply asked, "What did you say? I couldn't hear anything".
What do you call a soldier who just joined the navy out of spite?
You simply call him a petty officer!
Why did one soldier put a blanket on top of the other soldier in the midst of a battle?
Because the former said, "Cover me now".
Why will you find no insects in any army base? Because it is a no fly zone!
Why was the major of the military not on Twitter?
Because he was adamant that he would never surrender or retweet!
What special posts are available in the military for mammals with long necks?
They are usually assigned to the team of GI raffe!
Which animal is most likely to join the military and even has it in its name?
It's an army-dillo!
What do you call a corn who occupies a commanding position in the military?
He is the kernel!
Which section of the military collaborates with the police and takes down the selling of banned substances?
It is the joint task force!
What do you call the military officers who command all the marching troops of the army?
They are all top brass!
What do you call a company that makes prosthetic limbs for soldiers?
They are most definitely arms dealers!
Why are all the clothes of the military of the same exact size?
Because they are all uniform clothes!
What do you call a Russian sniper from the Soviet Army who never misses his target?
He is the most skilled marxman in the military.
What post would a belly button get if he decided to join the military?
He would usually get the post of a naval officer!
What is the name of the father of Eddie Vedder, who was a military leader and a skilled Jedi?
He was the Darth Vedder!
Which day of the year is celebrated as the World Military Day?
It usually is March forth!
In the 'Avatar' movie, what was a major flaw of the human military unit?
They would be successful if they used the Na'vi!
In which unit would a plant sapling be recruited?
He would most definitely be placed in the infan-tree!
Why did the military start making rockets and missiles out of wheat and flour?
Because the rockets would be bread for combat!
There was a soldier who was pepper-sprayed and hit with mustard gas at the same time in his fourth tour.
All his friends call him a seasoned veteran!
Before joining the army, I was a professional painter.
After joining the services, I was asked not to use AK-47 as I kept drawing fire!
When I got promoted from captain to its next higher post, my friend congratulated me by saying, "I know this is a major day for you".
The best way to refer to someone who accidentally got under a tank is to name him crunchy!
When I sent my little kid to the army, they posted him in the infant-ry!
The only month which all the troops of the military absolutely hate the most is March!
Soldiers who usually wear sleeveless clothes always have the right to bare arms!
You will never find any medicine for pain relief in the army med center because the paras ate em all!
I advised my brother not to be upset if his cavalry officer didn't tank him for his work!
In the midst of a huge firefight, I lost both my arms, yet I shouldered on anyway!
While raiding Saddam Hussein's house, the US army found out that he kept all his CDs and DVDs in Iraq!
The old veteran, while recounting his tales, claimed that in his time, a chieftain was just a rank and not a tank!
A senior navy officer had a bad habit of making fun of his juniors and dismissing them after sunset. It was called a diss-charge!
Ab owl, which has been recruited by the military, greets everyone by saying Hoo-ah!
If you find a list consisting of all the E-4s, then you are looking at the specia-lists!
While on a mission, a soldier uses a wea-pen to write letters!
There was a soldier who ran away without repaying his loans. People started calling it a loan shark!
I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements
So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.
What do you call a Marine with a head wound?
How do you knock out a marine while he’s drinking water?
Slam the toilet lid down on his head.
A Marine orders a pizza and the waitress asks if he’d like it sliced into four pieces or six.
“Make it four. I’m not hungry enough for six.”
What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces?
They all originally set out to become Marines.
Why did God give the Marine one more brain cell than the horse?
So he wouldn’t poop along the parade route.
Ever wonder what Marine stands for?
Muscles. Are. Required. Intelligence. Not. Essential.
Once I forgot to bring my military gadgets for the top mission. So I exclaimed in anger, "All shoot"!
The air official always carried two sticks of dynamite in the boot of his car. He kept it as a safety check in case he needed to blow up the tires!
My military friend, before hitting the dance floor, always retorts, "Hey, cover me when I move from here".
The only way a military soldier gets rid of bugs is with the help of a Raid!
Once a fly got inside the helmet of an air force pilot. The pilot claimed that the fly was a space invader!
I visited my brother, who was in the army. In his garden, the only plants that grow are an am-bush!
While serving top-secret missions in the rainforests, a military soldier keeps his breath minty by using tic at-tac-k!
One of the best friends of a soldier is his camera. The cam-o often plays a cameo role in a mission!
The ideal way to reply to military personnel if they give you something is to say 'Tank You'.
While fighting behind the enemy lines, if an enemy personnel gifts you important information you should always flank them!
A particular branch of the military absolutely loves and adores equestrians. They are most definitely the neigh-vy!
My brother occupies a big post in the military and always carries a stick with him. He is the staff sergeant!
The only thing which a military personnel does to pass off his leisure time is to read a magazine!
What was the specialization of the drill instructor who was also a dentist in the military?
He was known for his extractions!
Why is it illegal to eat ice cream while you are in service in the military?
Because desserting is an arrestable offense.
What kind of reactions does an air force pilot experience in the middle of a war?
He experiences both flight and fight!
Why was the Spanish boy whose father was in the military happy during Christmas?
Because it was Feliz navi-dad!
What did the military name a special armored vehicle that has artificial intelligence in it?
The military named it the 'Think Tank'.
The military recently invented a new variety of laser? It uses ultra-violent light!
What is the best way to describe a military car that will never listen and believe a single word that you say?
It most definitely is a skeptic tank.
Where are all the botanists posted when they join the military?
They are all selected for the root camp!
Which famous singer would be ideally suited to join the ancient Roman army?
It would most likely be Britney Spears!
Which is the ideal way to play bingo with an air force fighter jet pilot?
It usually goes like this - A-10, B-06, F-16.
Why do fighter airplanes have propellers in them? Their main purpose is to keep the pilots cool.
If there isn't one in the plane, the pilots will seriously start sweating!
What did the friends of the deer call him when he was enlisted in the military?
They all started calling him a bombardeer!
Why are soldiers asked to wear their top uniform during any ceremony?
Because in the military casual tees are not at all accepted!
Why was my friend extremely upset when he asked me about my post in the military?
I think it was probably because I told him that it was private.
Why was the typographer instantly hired in the military?
Because he had a lot of experience on arial combat!
What do you call an army doctor who is an expert in surgery and was knighted for his services? He is Sir Gen!
What is usually the alarm time set for an optometrist?
He usually sets it at 20:20!
What would be the ideal name of a weapon if a soldier goes to war with the arms of a T-Rex?
It would probably be small arms.
How does a pirate speak if he has served a long time in the military?
He would probably speak like "Army matey!"
How does a veteran season his food when he usually cooks dinner?
He uses a pepper spray and a salt rifle!
What is usually the color of submarines? They are usually deep navy in color!
What uniform does a cow wear if he joins the army?
He most definitely wears a cow-moo-flage
Why does the military have trees in them?
It's obvious because there are so many branches!
Why do air force pilots carry dogs with them in the cockpit?
So that no one else can touch the controls of the plane!
What is the best way to describe if a platoon of large fighter jets makes a formation of a Mac aircraft?
It is usually called a big Mac attack!
Why do the air force parachute manufacturers have the easiest jobs?
Because even if their parachutes don't work, the person who had been using it never complains!
What is the main difference between the training of the military and that of the boy scouts?
The boy scouts usually have a lot of adult supervision!
What did the father say to his daughter when she asked about his memorable day as military personnel?
With a smile, he replied that it was the day he asked a junior officer to bring a pair of batteries for his Chem light!
What do you call a military officer who always loves playing melodic pentatonic major scales and no minor scales?
You are bound to call him a flat major!
What major accident happened when a tank by accident ran over two boxes of popcorns?
Three kernels got extremely hurt!
While out on work, what is always the most important job of Marines?
They always make sure that the navy doesn't get wet in their feet!
What happened to the soldier who couldn't qualify for the Marines by just a few marks?
He was assigned to the navy as he was a sub-marine!
What did the navy personnel say to his friend when they encountered trouble?
The former said to the latter that they were in the same boat!
How does a navy officer bid goodbye to a coast guard?
He usually says, "Sea-l you later".
Why were all the sailors of the navy unable to play cards with one another?
It was simply because the captain was sitting on the deck!