Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.

Q: Why is a baseball stadium always cold?
A: Because it’s full of fans!

Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?
A: You put a boogie in it.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

Q: What did the tired toilet say to the plunger?
A: I’m flushed.

Q: Why was the sand wet?
A: Because the sea weed.

Q: Why do people fall asleep in the bathroom?
A: Because it’s also called a restroom!

Q: What kind of dogs come from the bathroom?
A: Poodles.

Q: What did the poop say to the fart?
A: Wow, you really blow me away!

Q: Why didn’t you hear the dinosaur going to the bathroom?
A: With pterodactyls, the P is silent!

Q: Who did the zombie take to the dance?
A: His ghoul-friend

Q: What do you call a rich elf?
A: Welfy.

Q: What do ghosts like to drink the most?
A: Ghoul-ade!

Q: What can you catch from a vampire in winter-time?
A: Frost-bite!

Q: How can you tell you’re in a vampire bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the donuts.

Q: How do you talk to giants?
A: Use big words!

Q: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
A: To make up for his miserable summer.

Q: Why was the skeleton afraid of the storm?
A: He didn’t have any guts.

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: What do elves do after school?
A: Their gnome work.

Q: What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water.

Q: Which superhero hits the most home runs?
A: Batman.

Q: What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his work.

Q: What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto.

Q: Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife fall asleep?
A: Because of his coffin!

Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?
A: Wrap music.

Q: What does a vampire take for a sore throat?
A: Coffin drops.

Q: What did batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
A: “Robin, get in the car.”

Q: What street do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends.

Q: What is a witch’s favorite lesson at school?
A: Spelling.

Q: What washes up on really small beaches?
A: Micro-waves.

Q: What do you call an Australian boomerang that won’t come back?
A: A stick.

Q: What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
A: Their crews were marooned.

Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves.

Q: What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A: A Mississippi.

Q: What has 5 eyes and is lying on the water?
A: The Mississippi River

Q: What is the smartest state?
A: Alabama. It has four As and one B.

Q: What state makes the most pencils?
A: Pennsylvania.

Q: Why is it easy to remember the capitol of Alaska?
A: Juneau this one.

Q. How do geographers figure out who to marry?
A: They datum.

Q: Why did the map always lose at poker?
A: It always folded.

Q: Which is smarter: longitude or latitude?
A: Longitude, because it has 360 degrees?

Q: What’s 90 degrees, but covered with ice?
A: The North and South Poles.

Q: What rock group has four members but doesn’t make a sound?
A: Mt. Rushmore.

Q: What’s the fastest country in the world?
A: Russia.

Q. What’s the capital of Alaska?
A: Juneau?
A: I don’t — that’s why I asked you!

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing — it just waved.

Q: How do all the oceans say hello to each other?
A: They wave!

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: I’ll meet you at the corner!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!

Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: To the moo-vies!

I met a cartographer who was also a spider.
He made web-based maps.

My friend is an expert reading maps.
He’s a legend.

My friend has been scribbling something on his boat for hours.
I’m sure he’s plotting something.